HAVE A LAUGH

UNHAPPY CHAPPY

AN UNHAPPY bloke just sitting at the bar was noticed by a nearby drinker who came over to cheer him up asking, “Would you like a beer?”

“No thanks, I tried it once and didn’t like it.”

“Would you like to play cards?”

“No thanks, I tried it once and didn’t like it,”

“Would you like to play snooker?”

“No thanks, I tried it once and didn’t like it and I’m waiting for my son who is over there playing.”

“Oh you have a son? Your only son I presume?”

TALKING TURKEY

It was the week before Christmas and a mother of a family of six was sorting through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket.

She was struggling to find one big enough to feed her crew.

As one of the store assistants passed her, she called out, “Excuse me, young man. Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The lad replied, “No Ma’am, they don’t. They’re dead.”

HEFTY LOAD

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” he asks.

“All right,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”

The vet picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Just because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really, really heavy.”