WHAT I KNOW NOW
When I started university, like every 17–year–old, I thought I had life worked out — it was all black and white. Seventeen years into my legal practice I can say that life and legal practice have distinctly grey areas and especially so for those experiencing separation and family breakdown.
What has stayed the same is my desire, passion and energy for those magic moments where my knowledge and understanding of the post-separation legal environment can tangibly make one of my clients feel stronger and more positive. Things such as:
■ In most instances, relationship breakdown comes down to a couple who stopped connecting, communicating and striving to understand each other.
■ We love our kids and it’s really hard to be told that you’re not going to be able to be with them every day. The response is normally grief, and that takes time to work through.
■ Two loving parents can have two very different, and very genuine, views as to what is best for their kids and how they spend their time.
■ The damage that we do to each other prior to, or around, separation can have implications for years to come.
■ Carrying anger, bitterness and grief beyond a reasonable period of transition and healing can make you emotionally and physically sick and compromise your parenting.
■ There is an abundance of research that proves that it’s not your parents separating that causes you damage as a child — it’s being exposed to parental conflict and all that goes with that.
■ You need to learn a new way to communicate after separation, a way of drawing boundaries, exhibiting respect and supporting each other — it’s hard to do and takes time.
■ The best thing that extended family members can do is strive for that balance between support and not aligning with them against a former spouse.
■ The truly admirable, respected and effective family law practitioners have a capacity to practice compassionate honesty with a vulnerable client, they have the ability to advocate and create an environment in negotiation which is conducive to quickly getting the agreement that your client needs, and they have the trust of their colleagues — that brings power to negotiation.