CONSTANT CRAVING

CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT TABOO CRUSH? IT COULD BE THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT EFFECT THAT MAKES US FALL FOR THE ONES WE CAN’T HAVE

We all know how the story went: Eve couldn’t resist the forbidden fruit, Adam followed her lead, and humanity ended up destined to feel shame and die.

Outside of the Garden of Eden, this metaphor still covers all manner of sins. Most of us can relate to lusting after something (or someone) forbidden, which, by its very nature, has become all the more alluring: a glass of wine during Dry January, the office cake when you’re on a diet or the person who you know you shouldn’t go there with.

This is human, surely. But why is that when we realise someone is off limits they become slightly sexier to us?

THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT EFFECT

“Unfortunately, the more we try to ignore or not think about something, the more likely thoughts of those things are going to run through our brains,” Dr Suzanne DeggesWhite, professor and chair of the Department of Counselling and Higher Education at Northern Illinois University, tells body+soul. Otherwise known as the ‘forbidden fruit effect’, this explains why we sometimes find ourselves attracted to things we know we shouldn’t or cannot have.

As Dr Degges-White puts it: “The human brain is a funny thing.” Several studies reveal how thinking about past errors might only doom us to repeat them. For instance, when we obsess over a previous mistake, such as mispronouncing someone’s name, we’re more likely to do it again because we are familiarising our brains with this behaviour. Likewise, when we are told things are ‘forbidden’ we typically want them more because we are bringing our attention back to the exact thing that is supposedly out of bounds.

When it comes to romantic relationships, the forbidden fruit effect can take myriad forms, from finding yourself attracted to the partner of a friend to a colleague or boss. It can even see our eyes straying towards clergy members (hello, Fleabag’s Hot Priest!) or authority figures, such as police officers, Dr Degges-White says. “There’s a sense of safety, for some, in being attracted to people with whom you know you cannot begin an actual romantic or sexual relationship. It adds to the thrill of innocent interactions.”

For the most part, the people we are attracted to is outside of our control, Dr Degges-White says. Typically, we start to develop these feelings around puberty but we are not consciously telling our brains to do so.

“It is like looking at a decadent dessert and your mouth watering – you can’t stop a natural reaction like that,” she says.

“Attraction is a variable thing – some of us go for good looks, some of us intelligence, others swoon over someone with a great sense of humour. We are all programmed differently and our own experiences shape our attractions too. Just as we all have our own predilections for foods, each of us have our own ‘attraction profile’ that is part of our make-up.”

SO THEN, CAN WE HACK OUR BRAINS TO BE MORE DELIBERATE ABOUT WHO WE FIND ATTRACTIVE?

“That’s a great question – and, in a way, we definitely can do our best to try to reshape our attraction profile. If you find you’re mostly attracted to people who are off limits, you might first ask yourself whether you’re relationship-phobic and are choosing people who would never really be attainable as partners. If we’re scared of commitment, it is safer not to let your heart crush on potential partners.”

Often, the traits we find most attractive in other people are the qualities we feel like we are missing in ourselves, Dr Degges-White adds. “Say you’re always attracted to assertive but compassionate people or maybe you wish you could be more assertive in your own life or a little kinder to others – that would explain why these qualities were the ones that caught your attention subconsciously.”

Given the fate of Adam and Eve, it would be fair to assume that giving in to temptation and pursuing the forbidden fruit is never a good idea. However, it’s not necessarily that clear-cut. Rather, it’s a matter of considering the consequences, be it rules or regulations at your workplace or the loss of a potential friendship. “No relationship happens in a bubble. There are collateral people and relationships involved.”

It’s also worth asking yourself whether the fruit is really as sweet as it seems. “Sometimes the thrill of the crush can turn into a flatline once the ‘forbidden nature’ of it is removed,” Dr Degges-White says.

“Think about that treat: you crave it and long for it, but seconds after swallowing the last bite, you’re already regretting that you have given into temptation and are imagining the damage control that you’ll have to do. Treat giving in to a ‘forbidden crush’ the same way.”

If only someone had told Adam and Eve.