Stressed parenting

AS parents, our natural instinct is to protect our kids from life’s troubles. Worries about job security, our family’s health and our future will have permeated many households during the coronavirus pandemic.

But new research shows trying to hide our stress from our children can backfire.

The research, from Washington State University in the US, found parents who suppressed feelings of stress around their kids could actually transmit those feelings to the children.

This was particularly so when mums tried to mask their worries.

Parenting expert Professor Matthew Sanders (below), from the Parenting and Family Support Centre at the University of Queensland, said stress was a normal part of life but the coronavirus pandemic would have heightened stress in many households.

“You can’t actually hide your stress from your kids, they will pick it up anyway, because it is still affecting your behaviour in terms of your interactions with them,” the clinical psychologist said.

“So you will get kids who are clingy and needy, and parents who don’t know how to handle their child’s distress.

“They wonder where that stress has come from and sometimes don’t realise it’s actually been fed by the parents’ own actions.”

The US researchers studied 107 parents and children aged 7 to 11 and found the kids were particularly attuned to their mums’ feelings. “We show that the response happens under the skin,” said study co-author assistant Professor Sara Waters.

“It shows what happens when we tell kids that we’re fine when we’re not. It comes from a good place; we don’t want to stress them out. But we may be doing the exact opposite.”

Assistant Prof Waters told the Washington State University Insider the children whose mothers suppressed their emotions after a stressful experience exhibited more signs of stress themselves, both mentally and physically.

But the research, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, showed this was not the case for fathers.

“We think that fathers not transmitting their suppressed stress may be because often fathers tend to suppress their emotions around their children more than mothers do,” assistant Prof Waters said. “The kids have experience with their dad saying things are fine even when they’re not.

“But it was more abnormal for kids to see their mum suppressing their emotions and they reacted to that.”

Prof Sanders said it was normal for parents to be upset when life dealt them a blow, but it was how they responded that was most important. “It’s important to accept that to be upset and distressed is normal, you’re not to blame. It is temporary and it’s transitional,” he said.

“And you can absolutely learn a hell of a lot about yourself and how you deal with stress. I reckon there are a lot of people who will have surprised themselves about how resilient they truly are.”

He said rather than trying to hide their stress, the key was for parents to become more aware of their own emotions and behaviours so that they could focus on the impact on their children.

Prof Sanders said this approach was commonly seen in parents who were afraid

of flying. “If you focus on the child’s flying experience that’s a big help for adults to cope with their anxiety in that aeroplane,” he said.

He said the next step was looking for solutions to your challenges.

“Once you mobilise problem solving, some of the most difficult situations can start to be coped with more effectively,” he said.

“You’ve got to stop feeling the victim and take control.

“But there are only some things you can control. If you have lost your job, you can’t produce a job overnight, but you can wake up in the morning and have a routine and make sure you’re looking after yourself and you’ve got the kids organised for the day.

“So you focus on those immediate dayto-day things and the here and now that enable you to get through each day.

“Then each day becomes a second day, then a week and then a month.

“And the next thing you know you’ve learnt to cope and you’re starting to return to normal life in an abnormal situation.”

Prof Sanders urged parents to “tune in” to their kids if they were showing signs of distress by being patient and sensitive with them, not exposing them to too much bad news, and answering their questions honestly but in an age-appropriate way.

He said parents needed to look after themselves in order to look after their child’s emotional needs.

“You’ve got to take care of yourself in order to be child focused,” Prof Sanders said.

“Because if you are miserable, lonely, overwhelmed by stress and you’re not eating or sleeping well and you’re arguing, then it’s very hard to be sensitive and patient and consistent with your kids.

“If you become impatient, inconsistent and explosive, it just means your kids’ behaviour deteriorates and you end up with a much more stressful environment.”