How to raise resilient kids
PLAY TO YOUR CHILD’S STRENGTHS AND SEE THE WORLD THROUGH THEIR EYES, WRITES DR JUSTIN COULSON
RESILIENCE is being able to “bounce back” from difficult times, setbacks and other significant challenges. It includes being able to deal effectively with pressure and get through tough times with good outcomes. Parents play a substantial role in the development of resilience in their children. The following eight tips outline the most effective things you can do to raise resilient kids.
TIP 1 LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART
Listening is one of the most important ways that we can build resilience. Rather than operating on “auto parent” we will help our children know they are important by giving them our undivided attention. Children feel validated and worthy when we listen to them. While children are upset, sensitive listening provides emotional first aid.
Listening with your heart allows you to be empathetic, take your child’s perspective or see the world through his or her eyes.
TIP 2 SEE THE WORLD THROUGH YOUR CHILD’S EYES
Imagine you had a difficult day. When you explained things to your spouse, the response you received was, “Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to try harder again tomorrow”.
While this response might be correct, it is unlikely to help you feel any better. If you don’t feel better, you’re unlikely to bounce back with quite as much bounce. Likewise, giving this advice when children are upset just makes them feel frustrated or foolish. When they tell you they feel sad, saying “Cheer up, you’ll be OK. There’s no reason to feel like that” will undermine their feelings and make them question their worth and feel they are not normal.
Instead, reflect their emotions. Try saying “I can see it’s been a tough day” or “Wow, that must have made you feel really disappointed”. When they know you understand them, ask them how they think you can help. Let them strategise the most effective way to overcome their challenges and support them in their decisions or guide them toward appropriate actions.
TIP 3 ACCEPT YOUR CHILDREN FOR WHO THEY ARE
Your child is likely to be resilient if they feel accepted for who they are. We must resist the temptation to judge and criticise. Continual faultfinding is a sure-fire way to create questions about self-worth in children. Additionally, children who are consistently criticised will start to wonder about their relevance.
By contrast, children whose parents affirm their efforts feel useful. When children are validated they feel worthy and accepted. And they are also likely to work hard to maintain those positive feelings, which means when they encounter setbacks they will have the confidence to try again.
Letting children know specifically what you love about them or why you are proud of them can bolster resilience.
Be specific and avoid general praise such as “You’re such a good boy.”
When we let our children know we accept and love them, and offer them specifics, they feel like they can conquer anything!
TIP 4 DEVELOP STRENGTHS
One of the best things for promoting resilience is a belief that we are competent and able to complete difficult challenges. Parents who identify their children’s strengths and help them develop those strengths will see their children become increasingly competent. Their children will experience success. They will be inspired and confident. They will gain a sense that they have something to offer the world.
Maddie, a seven year-old, had trouble with reading and writing. But her parents and teachers noticed her love for drawing. They encouraged Maddie to draw by displaying her art in the classroom and at home. Maddie’s strengths ensured she was not defined by her weaknesses in reading.
Your child may possess strengths in relationships, academics, music, sport, creativity, curiosity, or any number of other areas. Developing those strengths, inspiration, competence, and confidence will build resilience in your child.
TIP 5 TEACH THAT MISTAKES ARE A CHANCE TO LEARN
When you make a mistake do you throw your hands in the air and say it’s too hard? Do you give up and go back to what you know you can do? Or do you see the mistake as a chance to learn something new and try again?
When your children make a mistake, what do they do? And perhaps more importantly, what do you say to them?
By teaching our children that continued effort, practice, and learning are the keys to success, setbacks are no longer seen as frightening and children become more resilient — willing to take risks and try new things.
They are also more likely to look forward to possibilities in the future and have a more optimistic and curious nature. This mindset is strongly linked to resilience.
TIP 6 GIVE RESPONSIBILITIES TO PROMOTE RESPONSIBILITY
Many parents are unwilling to give their child any responsibilities because they fear the child will not be responsible.
Lectures will not promote responsibility. Instead, responsibility comes from opportunities to be responsible, a chance to help, and by being part of a family that is involved in doing things for others.
TIP 7 TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS
When our children struggle, we often want to tell them what to do to fix things. Constantly making decisions for our children can undermine their decision making skills and confidence.
When your child is faced with a problem, listen with your heart. Then see the world through their eyes. When they feel understood, ask the question: “What do YOU think we should do?”
Let your child know that you are willing to help and support. Then invite him or her to make a decision, and be supportive.
If a decision is poor, offer gentle guidance or ask, “I wonder what might happen if we did that.” As your child thinks through the various possibilities, they will gain confidence in making their own decisions following challenging situations.
TIP 8 DISCIPLINE BUT DON’T DENIGRATE
Children will make lots of mistakes, even when trying their best. When our children do things that are wrong, we can focus on teaching them rather than punishing them.
Often the most effective way to teach is to invite our children to think about what they have learned from a particular situation. We can then ask them to make decisions about the most appropriate course of action, such as apologising, making restitution and refraining from doing what they have done in the future.
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