Winning isn’t EVERYTHING
“IT doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.”
How do we get our kids to not only understand this concept, but truly believe it, to have it vibrate through everything they do?
Winning is a good feeling and it’s worth celebrating when we do. But we can’t always win. While we adults can understand this, process our disappointment and move on, it can be harder for our kids.
In the early years, kids are quite black and white, and if things don’t go their way it can send them into a tailspin of tears and tantrums.
It’s a tricky situation to negotiate, when our kids are exposed to competition. It can be as simple as playing a family board game, or joining a sporting team, or even when they start school and begin to compare skills and abilities.
If a game has the outcome of someone winning, then they think they need to win because it’s the aim of the game. When that doesn’t occur, it doesn’t fit with the child’s worldview.
How do we help our kids handle such moments positively and with grace, even when the outcome isn’t in their favour?
SET THE EXPECTATIONS FROM THE START
It can be helpful to discuss with your child what the expectations are prior to starting a game/playing sport/doing tests or assessments.
Talk through with them the purpose of the activity, why they’re engaging in it and what happens if they don’t get the outcome that they hope for.
DISCUSS FEELINGS AND HOW THEY CAN CHANGE THE WAY WE BEHAVE
Feelings can be confusing enough for us as adults, so you can imagine how full on they can be for little ones who don’t have a grasp on what is happening inside.
Talking about the different types of feelings we can have, and what feelings can do to our behaviour is a useful way for children to make a link to how they handle the outcome of an event.
DEVELOP COPING STATEMENTS
Sometimes, when we’re emotionally charged, it’s hard to get a handle on our thinking and sort it out.
Coping statements are quick, easy lines we can use when it’s all getting a bit much.
It’s great to sit down with kids and help them come up with statements they can have handy if they end up losing, or if the outcome doesn’t go in their favour. Things like “I tried my best and that’s the most important thing”, and “oh well, it’s just all a bit of fun,” can help.
STAY CALM!
It’s easy to become frustrated or flustered when your child gets upset at losing. Particularly in public!
But if we stay calm, it helps them to calm down. Just reflecting with them on how they’re feeling can help to settle the emotions.
FOCUS ON THE “TOP 3” MOMENTS
Doing a “top 3 moments” can come in handy when reflecting on playing games, or being in competition.
It can help our children reframe the situation if it didn’t pan out the way they hoped, by looking at enjoyable moments within the activity and looking at the bigger picture.
Winning isn’t the only benefit, it could be working well as a team, or learning something new, or having something funny happen.
DISCUSS WHAT LOSING TEACHES US
Losing isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all, that’s a key message to teach our children. We tend to equate winning with “good” and losing with “bad” but is it really this way?
We can learn a lot if we don’t come out on top, we gain experience, we can see what to try the next time. It helps us stay grounded, keeps us striving and trying.
LEARN TO LOSE GRACIOUSLY
We can role play with our children positive things we can do if we don’t come out on top. Try things like shaking the winner’s hand and saying “Good job” or “Congratulations, you did well”. Or smiling and taking deep breaths.
By focusing on others, it can take the heat out of our sting if we don’t win.
On the flip side, we also want to teach them to win graciously. When we win, we can do all the same actions and ensure that we take it in our stride, rather than gloating about a win.
While winning is great, having fun and enjoying the moment is better. We can help our kids to see the bigger picture when it comes to sport and games; sometimes it just takes a bit of prep and practice and then even Monopoly can be enjoyed by all.