DON’T BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE

LISTEN RATHER THAN PREACH TO ALLOW FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO TRULY OPEN UP

WE are all different. That’s not a remarkable statement, it’s a simple fact. No-one has walked the world in the same way as you nor lived your story, seen what you’ve seen, felt what you’ve felt or had your desires, passions and interests, your pain and your joys.

That being the case, how have we come to create our communities, families and relationships that give us that sense of belonging, engagement, inclusion and love?

It’s amazing when we think about it that we can actually formulate not only a structured way to organise as a community given our unique perspectives but we do it incredibly successfully and build in systems that accept the differences and needs of others.

These systems are learning as well as there is an interchange of influence between the system and the people and communities involved.

Look at the collective responses to the bushfires, floods and this year COVID-19 to see a demonstration of that.

What sits at the heart of a successful community are people who care. There are always going to be outliers – people who reject or resent the boundaries that civil society places in their way, people who believe that they are above those things, people who are ignorant of them and people who are so focused on their own pursuit through ego or lack of concern that they will lie, cheat and steal or worse to satisfy themselves.

We’ve seen recent examples of this sadly. The fact is that until you “grow up”, “get real” or mature to the point where you can recognise that there are consequences to every action, then you are destined to be caught in a cycle of repetition until you do learn the lesson. It seems to be a universal principle based on karma.

While we think that over time we all come to this maturity, unfortunately it’s not the case, however we can definitely influence that development either in ourselves or in others if we start to pursue the wisdom that seeking to improve, develop and grow offers.

Recently I have been engaged in a study program on psychological safety and with that has come a genuine awareness of how little attention we generally pay to our responsibility as individuals to make the space safe for people to truly open up and talk about the things that they feel, are concerned about or are threatened by.

My observation is that, in communicating with others, we are busy holding on to our own point of view and, rather than listen to what others have to say, we judge their comments based on whether it fits our beliefs and approach.

If we find difference, rather than explore it we get into conflict and end up in a battle of words.

The impact of that can be lifelong if you are related, can be very negative if you are in a working relationship and fracture any team or business wide open.

You might think I am being a little dramatic however when I go in to do an intervention working with a couple, team, leadership group or business the cause is usually based on misinterpreted intention and the judgment made on that.

The barriers get put up, the battle lines drawn, and the war goes on.

So, what do we do about it? It’s up to you. Giving respect would help. Funny, it’s one of those things you’ve got to give to get. We don’t need to like everything about a person to respect their right to exist, be heard and to have a view.

There is a lovely greeting in South Africa from Zulu; “sawubona”.

It means “I see you, you are important to me and I value you”.

The response to that is “ngikhona” meaning “I am here”. There is a depth to that greeting and response.

Another way is to simply accept that we are all different and, in accepting that, we create the rich opportunity to discuss how we can work or be closer.

My approach, wherever possible, is to come with curiosity, care, compassion and courage.

While you might not agree with me, give it a go. What have you got to lose?