LESS PRESSURE, MORE PATIENCE

IT CAN BE HARD TO FATHOM SOME PEOPLE’S THOUGHT PROCESSES, BUT GIVE THEM SPACE TO WORK THROUGH IT

Have you ever been in a situation in which you felt imposed upon? One where you have felt under pressure to agree to something or to do something when it went against your values or simply was not what you truly felt like doing?

It can be very uncomfortable and feel like a threat to our autonomy – our desire and ability to be free to make our own decisions and choices and to live as an independent adult.

We make hundreds of decisions and choices every day, they may be small or large and we may be unaware that we are making them or why, but we still need to feel as though we are free to do that and so we should, provided they are not causing harm to others and we are in a fit mental and physical state to make them.

But that’s not always the case. Why is it then that sometimes we just go along with what someone else has decided for us?

It could be a need for harmony, or that you are ambivalent about the situation and are looking for someone to make the decision or choice for you.

You could be unaware of the potential consequences of agreeing, or fear what may happen if you refuse to do what is asked of you.

Maybe you have learned that it’s best or safest to just go along with what others decided, and feel you don’t have a voice or struggle to express your own needs in the face of another’s demands.

Let’s look at the other side of the situation; have you ever imposed yourself on or demanded something of someone?

It may be as simple as imposing an opinion, belief, way of being, lifestyle or expectation upon another. We may not be aware that we are doing it, but many of us probably have at some point.

Have you pushed your point, belittled or not listened to others’ beliefs or opinions in favour of your own, or made decisions on someone else’s behalf without consulting them?

These may not seem like big things, but they can leave a lasting impact and result in the recipient of the behaviour feeling diminished, unseen or unheard.

This can be particularly true for the elderly and the more vulnerable among us, and while it can be challenging for those who care for these people, they still need to feel included and in charge of their own lives.

Even though we may not agree with or like someone else’s view of the world, choices or decisions, they like all of us, are perfectly entitled to their own opinion and way of being.

We all see the world through our own unique lens, a combination of our values, beliefs, language, culture, education, socialisation, past experiences, more than 200 unconscious cognitive biases and more.

We can easily fall into the trap of thinking that others see and experience the world exactly as we do and expect them to understand and agree with us and support what we do and how we do it, but that doesn’t and can’t happen.

Our unique lens is just that; unique, a oneoff and exclusive to us.

So, while we may feel that someone is making an ill-informed choice or an unwise decision at times, rather than imposing our view or ‘solution’ on them, thinking it would be helpful to do so (unless we’re invited to share our opinion, or their choice is downright dangerous), it is much more supportive for them if we help them consider the potential consequences, listen to their considerations and give them the space to make up their own mind.

When someone else is telling us what we should or shouldn’t do, we may push back or eventually blame them if we take their advice and it doesn’t go well.

However, being a human adult means accepting the results of the path we have chosen or decisions we’ve made, learning from them and applying the learning to future situations.

Next time you feel like pushing your opinion, making someone’s decision for them or overriding someone’s choices, stop, reflect and turn the situation around.

Is that something you would want someone to do to you? If the answer is no, then don’t do it. Instead, how about being the person who offers a safe space for others to be heard without judgment and then let them do what they feel is best for them in the circumstances.