Gender identity strain on family

IN OUR NEW REGULAR COLUMN, LEADING PSYCHOLOGIST SANDY RAE ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS ON RELATIONSHIPS, FAMILY AND SOCIAL ISSUES

QMy husband and I are feeling a lot of stress because our 12-year-old son wants to be referred to as “she”. This began when he started Year 7. His siblings refuse to refer to him as “she”, and my husband and I are fighting over it. What are your suggestions to move forward with this?

Email, Concerned Mum

AFirstly, your child is your child irrespective of gender preference. As loving and dedicated parents, your obligation is to support your child no matter the situation.

Having said that, we all understand that parenting is difficult; inevitably, being a parent means we will face complex and confronting situations. The same is true for young people. Incessant, differing, and contradictory messaging means that being young has never been more developmentally trying.

Your child’s experience of wanting to be referred to as a female is undoubtedly complex for them also. However, your child’s exploration of gender identity is simply part of their journey. So, it’s important to bear in mind that your child’s choices around gender identity do not necessarily mean that they will transition into a female later in life.

As parents, I encourage you to get educated on gender identity, read up on it, and be informed.

Referring to your son as “she”, “her”, etc. might feel uncomfortable – and this is understandable. However, there needs to be a space in which your child’s desire to identify as a female and your own feelings are respected: there are no straightforward answers here.

Equipped with this information, encourage frequent family discussions so everyone, including your other children, understands what your child is experiencing. Be able to support each other and challenge any fears.

And this approach needs to extend to space outside of the home, too. For example, your child’s school needs to be informed and prepared. Is the school abreast of the current issues that students face when confronting gender complexities? What is the school able to do to ensure your child feels emotionally safe? Is the school (and its community) willing to employ the desired pronouns of your child?

Having created a safe space within the home and school, your child needs to understand this doesn’t ensure that all facets of life will be so understanding.

This means that a network of support they can tap into is key – no doubt, there will be both good and bad days. Working towards developing coping strategies in the face of unfortunate hostility and rejection is vital as your child progresses through adolescence into early adulthood.

There needs to be an understanding that difference doesn’t mean isolation; there also needs to be an understanding that there are people in the world that are tolerant, and that soon enough your child will find a safe and comfortable space in it.

Encourage frequent family discussions so everyone, including your other children, understands what your child is experiencing

As for your husband, please understand that time is required; he, too, is working through this complexity. Well done in being proactive in your child’s wellbeing.

Sandy Rae is a leading practising psychologist with 30 years’ experience across issues including relationship challenges, family and parenting related matters, adolescent and developmental issues, mental health, depression and anxiety