MEL BUTTLE

“I was clearly destined to do naval cadets, all signs pointed to this”

Ienvy people who have hobbies. It must feel good to do something you enjoy that gives you fulfilment. I wouldn’t know, the only way I feel a sense of achievement these days is when I manage to carry all the groceries inside in one hit. I have the sticking power of a teflon frypan, one week I’m all about making my own chutney, two weeks later I’m all “giveaway brand new jars, perfect for bulk homemade chutney, never used”.

I just can’t find something I like to do that’s not centred around my food or phone. Perhaps I’m too easily entertained by watching television whilst eating Cheezels off my fingers? I’m sure skydiving is a rush, but The Office US is a very easy and comforting watch.

I get a mild pang of jealousy when I go to someone’s house and they close the door on their study saying something like, “sorry about the mess that’s where I make my candles”. A switch goes on in my head, maybe I could make candles too. Then, my inner parent voice jumps in before I can even google candle-making kits, it says, “this will just be another naval cadets”.

Naval cadets is my barometer for fads; it was the hobby that I stuck with for the least amount of time. Sometimes I’ll try on a bolder than usual fashion choice and, while in the changeroom wondering if I could make it in life as a jumpsuit wearer, a voice in my head says, “this is just a wearable version of naval cadets, Mel”.

I see how naval cadets lights up my radar – in the ’90s it felt like there was a glut of movies with naval themes, Under Siege and The Hunt for Red October to name a couple that got airtime in our house. With these films in my heart and mind, my interest in all things nautical grew exponentially when I did a tour of a warship just like I’d seen in the Cher film clip, at the National Maritime Museum.

I was clearly destined to do naval cadets, all signs pointed to this.

Our nearest unit was a bit of a drive away; it was too far to go home and come back so whichever parent drew the short straw would just sit in the car while I worked out what naval cadets was about.

In non-surprising news, me and the other 11-year-old recruits weren’t in submarines, firing weapons or lighting things on fire. Yes, this was a shock to me too. Instead, the focus was on knot tying, navigation and learning all the ranks in the navy. I lasted one session. The next weekend, I found myself with Mum in the car on the way to naval cadets, and she knew something was up. “What’s wrong, I thought you liked cadets? What happened?” she probed. I twiddled my thumbs plotting how to tell her that naval cadets was nothing like the movies and it’s not for me.

“Is it boring?” She’d hit the nail on the head. “Yep,” I managed to squeak out a reply, feeling a bit ashamed as it was a 40minute drive from home and we were already over halfway. “Oh well, if it’s not for you that’s all right I guess,” Mum said.

We got McDonald’s, ate it in the car, disposed of the evidence and headed home. Dad asked how naval cadets was. I looked at Mum, and she shot me a look that said, “the McDonald’s is our secret”, so I replied “pretty good”.

I stopped mentioning bowlines, and standing at attention around the house, no one followed up and cadets faded away from our weekends. Recruit Buttle, at ease, and I have been ever since.