“The kids are terrified. The parents are stressed and the teachers are at their wits’ end”

NAPLAN is done and dusted for another year and one thing hasn’t changed. I freaking hate it. It’s not just me either. Every parent I speak to about it also says the word NAPLAN with a colourful adjective before it.

Even teachers hate it. They’ve been given the charge of making learning fun and building children’s confidence and then it all falls over with this one stupid test.

The kids are terrified. The parents are stressed and the teachers are at their wits’ end. Kids in Year 3 are wetting themselves at the fear of failure. Older kids are being prescribed nerve medication to cope with anxiety. Well done NAPLAN.

We are in a time where things are so fluid. A time where we are celebrating individuality and neurodiversity and yet we still continue to subscribe to this generic test as a measurement of intelligence. Pfft.

There’s the famous Einstein quote: “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live it’s whole life believing that it is stupid.” This is NAPLAN and my kid is a fish. And I know a lot of incredibly successful fish. I met the guy who created and manufactured the hanging loops on the ends of brooms. Multi-millionaire. Fish. Another couple I met started a portaloo business for festivals. They bought a yacht recently. Fish. Then look at the kids creating and trading NFTs making an absolute motza. Fish.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not one for participation awards, but the days of kids only having five professions to choose from are over and it might be time the Education Department catches up.

If they must do a standardised test, could they please include the following:

1. How to do tax

2. How change a car’s oil, water and tyres

3. How to leave an argument on social media

4. That the right-hand lane on the freeway is for overtaking

5. The difference between your/you’re I know it’s easy to beat up on the current system because, well, let’s face it, we are incredibly privileged. However, I feel like we are still rewarding outdated skills and punishing the innovators.

I also wonder if it’s just a convenient excuse for private schools to up their school fees because they’re “the NAPLAN craplan champions”.

Classless parents will also use it as a not-so-humble brag on the socials too. “My little Jimmy top-scored on his NAPLAN.” Congrats, your little Jimmy will probably end up being my entrepreneurial son’s accountant.

I hope he’s good at writing off trips to Monaco as a tax deduction.

Obviously, we need certain students to be the best at what they do. I don’t want my future neurosurgeon to be the recipient of the “team spirit award” but I have faith that schools are already making a conscientious effort to ensure gradings are fair and reflective of the student’s aptitude.

Even if they are marking a little high, university will sort the wheat from the chaff quick sticks.

What I’m trying to say is, if, like me, you have a “fish” being asked to climb a tree, then pull them out of the climb.

Or if you have already had them partake; when you get those results, just take that envelope and pop it straight into the recycling and tell that little bright spark of yours to keep swimming. Do you agree?

Should NAPLAN be scrapped?