OFF THE RECORD
AS MAXWELL Smart used to say, “Missed it by that much!” After many years of not so wedded bliss this dame decided she needed some more excitement in her life. She left her husband and set about finding true love by swiping right on her mobile. After a few too many auditions that left her with neither excitement nor love she received word about her ex-husband. It seems an aged relative had died and left him a mega amount of loot. Suddenly she discovered he wasn’t really that dull and rang him to see if they could catch up. No such luck because in her absence he had found excitement and love in the arms of a much younger woman. Timing is everything.
DURING one of our recent storms the family dog was sheltering in terror on the bed and urinated. What did the husband do? He took the covers to the cleaners and told them that his wife had wet the bed again. When she went to pick up the newly cleaned covers the dry-cleaning lady gave her the names of some products that she had used to help with the “problem”. There’s no fury like a wife falsely accused of incontinence so her spouse was quickly frogmarched around to explain that he had said it as a joke. Oops!
IT WAS the end of year school party for a particular group of parents whose little darlings had finished for another year. Up stepped one of the mothers and said, “Have it at my house, I’ll organise the food and drinks and then we can split the cost equally between us.” Great idea. Come the function, however, things weren’t quite as lavish as the parents had expected. It turns out that miserly mum had got everything at the cheapest price possible, allowed for small servings and then charged the others full whack for the soiree. It didn’t go unnoticed with her card marked as “NTCA” (Never To Cater Again).
IT MAY be the season of giving but not for this mega-rich dude. He invited most of his friends around to celebrate his wife’s birthday with their gifts piled on the table to open after they had left. French fizz, gourmet canapes, and waiters waiting – no expense was spared. The kicker is that as they were leaving he unashamedly told them that there was a cost per person and he would be emailing them all with his bank details so that they could pay for the special soiree. One of the guests very quietly took back her gift because no way was she paying for the party and a present.