OFF THE RECORD
AS quick quips go, this is one of the best. Introducing a visiting politician as the next speaker to the stage, this dapper dude waxed lyrical about her work ethic, commitment to the job, and then mentioned a recent late-night flight to attend a big overseas conference. Up piped the pretty Polly in question. “For the record, I travelled there in economy.” A split second later came the reply. “Where’s that?” Apparently turning right at the entrance to a big jet is not a recent experience for himself.
THIS gal may be wondering why she is no longer the beneficiary of a long-time friend’s generosity. The two have been friends for years and much like that superannuation advert, one went on to great riches while the other battled to survive pay cheque to pay cheque. The wealthy one, aware of her friend’s situation, would always help out, sending cash or kind on a regular basis but not anymore. She heard that her “friend” had been making disparaging remarks about her looks, taste and lifestyle behind the wealthy one’s designer-clothed back. Hence the account at the Bank of Goodwill is now shut forever. The moral — never bite the hands that feeds you.
THIS is so clever we wonder why it hasn’t been thought of before. A single woman of substantial means, she loves travelling on luxury cruise liners by herself. Tired of being hijacked by boring people who wanted to impose upon what they presume is her loneliness, she devised a cunning plan. If they were DC & B (dull, colourless and boring) and carried on endlessly about every minor detail of their lives, she simply pulls out a flip-out photo album. Nothing mundane as an offspring in there but a glorious collection of cat photos. The felines weren’t hers but a made up ruse and she would then tell them excruciating details about every tabby until they left. Being a “mad cat lady” does have its benefits.
THE scene is one of the many social events we cover. He, a single man known to many, is talking to a young woman with her back to us. “Hello @$%&*, may we take your picture?” At this point the young woman turns round to reveal she is heavily pregnant. “I don’t think that would be a good idea,” said he with a big grin. “People will think the worst and anyway her husband is sitting down over there.” And there we were thinking we had a scoop.