Harry and Meghan’s new-age nuptials
Preacher steals the show of the century by going rogue on script
THE wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was never going to be perfect — and as their romance reached a crescendo on Saturday, the momentous occasion was almost derailed by an unlikely guest and marred by mention of their sex life.
Blue skies reached across Windsor and the sun beamed down on picturesque St George’s chapel where the wedding of the century was set to unfold.
Mayhem buzzed in the streets as 100,000 people gathered to catch just a glimpse of the love story that has captivated the globe.
Even the most famous guests couldn’t hide their excitement as they smiled and gushed on the walk into the church.
But not everyone was thrilled to be giving up their Saturday morning.
Saturday morning weddings are the worst. You don’t get to sleep in.
There’s no time to get to a pilates class and you ate pizza the night before so now you feel even more guilty about it.
You’ve also had to cancel your weekly brunch with the girls.
After putting out a million fires this week that were all lit by the rag tag team of nutbags that make up her family, Meghan was calm and graceful as she made her way to the chapel.
Through the windows of the tiny vintage black car, she was seen laughing with her mum Doria as they chatted with the driver.
What they were giggling at is unclear. Perhaps, in a jab at Meghan’s troublesome dad Thomas Markle Sr, Doria told the driver to swing by the Macca’s drive-through and they all laughed hysterically.
Moments later, Meghan delivered the moment we were all waiting for when she popped out of the little automobile to reveal her dress.
Yes, the simple dress was very lovely but I’m not entirely sure how it was worth $180,000.
As she made her way up the stone steps and waited at the chapel doors, we all looked on with the same facial expression as the totally jazzed kid helping with her train.
But then that kid’s facial expression was overtaken by the face Harry made when he laid eyes on Meghan and I honestly just wish I could find a boy or even a
Woolworths checkout attendant to look at me the same way.
As Harry and
Meghan stood in front of their family and the world watched on, the priest decided it was an appropriate time to talk about their sex life.
“The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together in the delight and tenderness of sexual union and joyful commitment to the end of their lives,” the Dean of Windsor told the congregation.
Meghan and Harry slowly died as they realised everyone, including the Queen, was now inevitably thinking about them having sex.
Suddenly, a cold silence fell when the priest asked a question filled with potential danger.
Object now or forever hold your peace, he told the crowd.
This would’ve been a terrific opportunity for Meghan’s dad Thomas to defy tabloid reports and make a spectacular entrance.
But the queen went to great lengths to guarantee this day went off without a hitch.
But no one anticipated it would be a Reverend Bishop who would almost singlehandedly derail the wedding completely.
Bishop Michael Curry is a Chicago-based Reverend who has a passion for spreading the word of the Lord and dreams of showbiz.
And his 15-minute sermon left the crowd wide-eyed.
The preacher certainly would’ve agreed to some strict criteria and stipulations when he signed on for this gig. He probably even sent in a draft script to be signed off.
But he knew this was his moment.
The world was watching. He had to seize the opportunity.
This was his time to shine.
Dressed in his robes, he perched himself behind the lectern and looked out over the congregation. He then went rogue.
In a monologue that veered from slam poetry and medieval proverbs to Martin Luther King quotes and an animated retelling of the industrial revolution, the Bishop left no stone unturned as he delivered his message with vigorous pace and volume.
It was electrifying. His passion ignited the room. Suddenly the heavy, carved doors of the chapel swung open and a bright light reflected down from the intricately plastered ceiling.
The guests sprung to their feet in unison, compelled by the spirit that had been summoned.
It’s at this point the Queen leapt out of her pew and began chanting.
Okay, so that’s the reaction the Bishop wanted. In reality, he just got a bunch of famous people giving him confused looks.
From her perch as she watched over the proceedings, the Queen was not happy.
And when the Bishop said, “We gotta get y’all married!” she almost choked on a butterscotch.
Glaring down at the preacher, the Queen desperately tried to bury her desire to loudly banish him from her lands. In the pew in front of her, Prince William giggled and Prince Philip looked half dead but
that’s probably just because he is.
Even Elton John thought the moment was a little OTT and that’s saying something.
Finally, it was time to make this thing official. Harry and Meghan said their vows.
They kissed. And like everyone who has ever been married before them, they too were embarrassed about having to pash in front of their family.
We wish them nothing but the best in the delight and tenderness of their sexual union.