Faster, higher, twerkier?
The news that pole dancing has been formally recognised as a sport – and will now be considered for possible inclusion in the Olympics – fills me with delight. Regular readers may be surprised. You might imagine I would feel weary and suspicious at this development. You might imagine I’d roll my eyes and ask: “What next? A simultaneous men’s event – how many bills can you shove in her bra as she writhes?”
You might think I would worry about where we’re heading as a culture and whether we are building on the great historical achievements of suffrage and feminism, or absolutely dismantling them in our complacency about how many battles have truly been won.
You might think I would argue it’s impossible to “reclaim” pole dancing from the world of strip clubs, however much we might kid ourselves something can be neutered just because we say it is, and – however much I may respect individual sex workers – I believe we shouldn’t confuse their seductive techniques with that which we present to our daughters as “sport”.
Well, guess again. I’ve read many defences of the activity by keen “pole enthusiasts” and I’m persuaded. It’s not titillating. It’s purely athletic. Nobody thinks of strippers when they see it, nor seeks it out for that reason. Its inclusion as an Olympic sport would be nothing short of excellent news for women. Bring it on.
Here are some other sports I’d like to see elevated to the world stage.
Mud wrestling
It’s time for women’s boxing to come of age – and this great step forward allows trained fighters to challenge themselves even further by experimenting with the terrain. The mud is there for literally no other reason than to really stretch and challenge the skills of these highly respected sportspeople. In order to enable full flexibility of their powerful upper bodies, tops are off.
Pillow fighting
Or they could just bounce on beds hitting each other with pillows which would also be a proper event that everybody would watch for the right reasons.
100m twerking
What people don’t realise is that track and field events actually become even more sportyif the women stop every few yards to shake their bums in spectators’ faces. It has been criticised by dusty outdated so-called feminists who don’t understand modern gender politics, but the truth is that shimmying about in skintight hotpants is a purely serious, athletic endeavour and anyone who finds it titillating is wrong.
Marathon porn hub session
This endurance event for men – in which gold is taken by whoever can remain alert and upright for the longest period of intense porn viewing – is actually a respectful tribute to the women being viewed, in the sense that men are watching them “do some sport” without moaning about how females are slow and weak and
boring to watch so shouldn’t be paid the same.
Full body waxing
Obviously it’s good when women rip off all their body hair with boiling tar, so it makes sense to do this publicly with people watching and clapping. You know, like rowing is.
(This event is usually won by the Brazilians.)
Spinning tit tassels
Points are awarded for speed and control in this extravaganza of boobswivelling, which is clearly celebratory of women because only they can do it. To quote Mary Wollstonecraft, it is “utterly bap-tastic”. The power and grace of the competition is underlined by the presence of a brass band going at full throttle as the Bristols whiz round.
The long-distance catwalk
This is a great breakthrough for women, in that other sports require them to have muscles. Here, bulges of any kind are loudly derided by a hundred male fashion designers prescribing an immediate diet of fags and Pepsi Max. So it’s all fantastically progressive as the entrants mince up and down in their pants. Also, once every five years, a fat one is allowed to take part and everyone gives themselves a massive pat on the back.
Synchronised groping
It’s hello to the 21st century with this forward-thinking mixed doubles event, in which the women maintain a fixed and rigid grin as men pinch, stroke and pat them all over. But actually, because the winning pair will share the medal, this demonstrates complete equality of gender and nobody need worry that it doesn’t.
Wet T-shirt contest
Swimming events are actually really sexist because probably it’s just about looking at girls in costumes – so, instead, this is an event where women jump into the pool in T-shirts and then stand there for ages being scored out of 10 by judges. This is definitely good and fine.
400m clutch relay
As soon as the starting wolf-whistle is sounded and the women race off in their towering stiletto heels, passing the spangly clutch bag from runner to runner, spectators realise at once that this is a legitimate and challenging sport, contrary to the protestations of stupid, old, irrelevant harridans who have no idea what modern feminism has become.
Having sex with men for money
Only the most puerile and cynical observer (or old, cobwebby, uncomprehending “feminists” of yore) could think this was anything to do with sex. Yes it does involve having sex. But that’s neither here nor there. Fully reclaimed by its highly trained and physically dazzling exponents, when placed into an Olympic context the rigorous and athletic business of having sex with men for money is basically exactly the same as throwing the javelin, only instead of throwing a javelin it’s having sex with men for money.