We need new words to explain these curious times. How about ‘coffused’ or ‘procrasti netflix’?
These days, the world can be very confusing. Technology keeps disrupting everything and politics has become a fast-paced drama full of plot twists. It is no surprise, then, that this brave new world has spawned a bevy of brave new words. From Brexit to Regrexit, from mansplaining to humblebrag … the past few years have been a fruitful time for neologisms.
However, it can be hard for language to keep up with everything that’s happening and we’re still missing a lot of words to describe modern phenomena. Here, I helpfully suggest some words needed for these new times.
Bitbitter How you feel when you see that bitcoin has reached another record high and realise that, if only you hadn’t bought avocado toast for brunch seven years ago and invested in the digital currency instead, you’d be a billionaire by now.
Coffused When yet another study about coffee is published, plunging you into a state of confusion. Will your caffeine habit help keep your heart chugging along longer, or will it send you to an early, jittery, grave? It’s really hard to keep track of the guidance, what with coffee-science being such a fast-moving field. If you are coffusedright now, the latest advice is that people who drink three to four cups of coffee a day experience lower risks of premature death than non-coffee-drinkers. Give it a week, though, and I’m sure there will be research that says quite the opposite.
Dead-dreadThe feeling of acute anxiety that hits when you see a celebrity trending on Twitter and know they’re either dead or a sexual harasser, thus dead to you. For example: “Christopher Plummer was trending the other day and I had a moment of dead-dread, but it turns out he is replacing Kevin Spacey in a new Ridley Scott movie, so phew.” Followed, a few days later, by: “Plummer is trending again and it seems he said lecherous things about a 16-year-old in his memoir so I guess my dead-dread was a tiny bit justified.”
Dejaviewed Coming across an article with a headline such as: “How I bought a house in London aged 24 while working as an unpaid intern,” or, “How I saved £25,000 a year, even though I only make £15,000,” and feeling as if you’ve read it before. Feeling, in fact, that you have seen this article in various guises multiple times and already know the answer. Which is always (spoiler alert): “My parents gave me money.” You may be thinking: hang on, I think I’ve already seen a word like dejaviewed – the concept feels familiar. Honestly, you haven’t, it is just your brain playing tricks on you.
Nationschämen In German, fremdschämen describes feeling mortified on someone else’s behalf when they are acting in a highly embarrassing manner, but are oblivious to their behaviour. Nationschämen is similar, but refers to when the British government does something embarrassing yet again – such as fail to understand why a British city can’t become a European capital of culture after Brexit – and you feel shame on your leaders’ behalf.
PedOKaliaWhen paedophilia is not that bad, you know, because the alleged paedophile in question is a Republican who loves God and will vote in favour of a tax reform bill that will help rich people. As in: “Normally, I condemn 32-year-old men pursuing 14-year-old girls, but with Roy Moore it is very different, it is pedOKalia. You should vote for him.”
Phonemantic When you are having a romantic evening with your partner, each of you staring lovingly into one another’s iPhone. “Have you seen this?” you whisper softly, gesturing to a viral clip of a dog stealing an empanada during a live news broadcast. “No, I haven’t,” they reply. Together you watch the dog steal the empanada. It is a beautiful moment.
Procrasti netflix You are on a deadline and have a million things to do, but first you are just going to watch five minutes of that thing on Netflix you don’t even really like any more, but are just watching because you are on deadline and have a million things to do.
Saudiception The Middle East is a dark and desperate place, and the US and the UK are often forced, much against their wills, to try to civilise it. But amid all the dictators, religious fanatics and abuses of human rights, there is one shining exception. One Saudiception. I am speaking, of course, about Saudi Arabia, the land of hajj and glory, that beacon of desert democracy. When an unelected leader purges all his enemies, it’s normally called “authoritarianism”, but, when it comes to our rich friends, it’s “reform”. When a country is accused of hideous war crimes, the rest of the world would normally be up in arms, screaming about human rights abuses, not falling over themselves trying to sell them arms. But when the country doing all the war-criming has lots of money to spend on military equipment, that’s different – you make a Saudiception. Britain, for example, sold £1.1bn worth of military equipment to Saudi Arabia in the first half of this year. Which should make you feel a pang of nationschämen.
Snoozecuse When you tell yourself that it is OK for you to hit the snooze button just one more time this morning because sleep is very important, and the world has become a very tiring place indeed.
• Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist