Barcelona lawyers chucking spanners like Patches O’Houlihan in Dodgeball
DON’T CRY FOR ME, ETC
Despite the best of attempts of several high profile attention-seekers, nobody quite managed to steal the thunder of Lionel Messi and his tearful farewell to Barcelona on Sunday. On a normal Monday, The Fiver might turn it’s rheumy, bloodshot gaze upon refereeing’s Keith Stroud for cheap giggles, the attention-seeking official having been spotted blowing a kiss at a football on a plinth as he emerged from the tunnel at Craven Cottage before his season-opener in which Fulham and Middlesbrough played supporting roles.
Alternatively, we might have focused on the antics of another fabled spotlight-hogger who has already gone “full José” by getting himself sent off, along with three of his Roma players, in a pre-season friendly against Real Betis that didn’t quite live up to its billing. And with the Olympics finally over, we would have been well within our rights to tip the brim of our fedora in honour of Brazilian U23 representative Dani Alves, 38, who could scarcely have looked more delighted to add Olympic gold to a personal collection of gleaming medals with which he could easily fill an empty swimming pool before diving in Scrooge McDuck style.
But no, despite these and myriad other weekend distractions, it was Messi’s long goodbye and the subsequent reaction that continue to hog the headlines. “I’m so grateful for the love people have shown me these years,” he said in yesterday’s press conference at the Camp Nou, his utterances punctuated by occasional blubbing from himself and others. “I’ve been here my entire life. I’m not ready for this. And last year, with all the nonsense, I was convinced of what I wanted to say, but this year it is not the same. This year my family and I were convinced we were going to stay here, that is what we all wanted more than anything.”
While Messi insisted he “could not have done more” to try to stay at Barça, there were no shortage of armchair accountants and Spanish employment law experts on social media quick to point out that he is almost certainly wealthy enough to have offered to continue representing the club for minimum wage, apparently oblivious to the fact that such a move would be illegal and still leave Barça high above the wages v turnover threshold they must meet before they can register the four players – Memphis Depay, Sergio Agüero, Eric García and the other one – they have already signed this summer. In order to balance the books, they must ship out other players, but the likes of Philippe Coutinho, Ousmane Dembélé, Samuel Umtiti and Antoine Griezmann are all sitting on contracts and demand for their services seems limited. With Messi apparently thrashing out personal terms with Paris SaintGermain, lawyers representing Barcelona’s members are reported to be chucking spanners like Patches O’Houlihan in Dodgeball, another true underdog story, in the faint and forlorn hope one might land in the Financial Fair Play works. Meanwhile, in slightly better news for Barça, it has been revealed that the club need not panic about getting Agüero registered to play, as their summer recruit has been ruled out until at least late October with a particularly nasty calf-knack.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He’s a top player, and I hear a great boy too. You look there, but he’s a BVB player. Sixty goals in 60 games. You have to look, otherwise we would be full amateurs” – Bayern Munich sporting director Hasan Salihamidzic flutters his eyelashes in the direction of Erling Haaland, and puts himself in line for a promotion.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It’s the latest Football Weekly pod, with a focus on you-know-who (and how seagulls sleep).
RECOMMENDED BOOKING
The pod’s live Premier League preview is coming soon too. Get your tickets here.
FIVER LETTERS
“Just had our fantasy league auction yesterday (didn’t go very well tbh), and I ended up accidentally going in hard on the ‘aka’s. What I mean, obviously, is that I bought Wan-Bissaka, Bukayo Saka and Patson Daka. Three ‘aka’s of the total five available (the other two are of course Granit Xhaka and Marvelous Nakamba). I can’t include Lacazette sadly, due to his lack of k. What other collections of three letters do we find repeated amongst Premiership players? Anyone beat my five ‘aka’s? OK I imagine there’s a lot of ‘son’s actually, so don’t bother with that one” – Sholem Lenkiewicz.
“Re: Franny Lee, he not only made rapid recoveries to dispatch ensuing penalties (Friday’s letters), but also to dispatch handbags. Shame Norman Hunter is no longer with us to confirm” – Tony Christopher.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Sholem Lenkiewicz.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Romelu Lukaku has completed the main part of his Chelsea medical in Milan after the Premier League club agreed to pay Inter €115m (£97.5m) to re-sign the striker.
In an announcement sure to delight lovers of oratory and rhetoric worldwide, Nuno Espirito Santo will talk to Harry Kane “soon”.
Blackburn’s Adam Armstrong is getting ready to meet Southampton’s Stuart Armstrong after the Saints sent £15m to Rovers in a big brown envelope.
Defensive injury woe for Liverpool, with Andy Robertson – who started every league game season – hobbling off during a pre-season friendly against Athletic Bilbao with a suspected anklegah!
Eight goals in 14 games while on loan at Newcastle convinced Mikel Arteta that Joe Willock is precisely the kind of player who does not fit in with his sophisticated vision for Arsenal. As such, Newcastle have agreed a transfer fee in the region of £22m for the midfielder.
STILL WANT MORE?
OK, no one wants more VAR, but officials hope that a lighter touch will help stop controversies in next season’s Premier League. Paul MacInnes has more.
Talking of which, here’s Alex Hess with six young tearaways to look out for once that gets underway.
Apparently the Premier League gets going again this weekend, so here are our shiny previews for Liverpool and Manchester City.
Rafael Benítez is the manager of Everton! When you’ve finished chortling anew, read Richard Jolly’s chat with various fans of the Merseyside rivals on the Spaniard’s appointment.
Adam White explains why it’s not just PSG fans in France who want the Messi deal to happen.
The Rumour Mill (!) is back, baby. Catch up with the latest moves in our women’s and men’s transfer interactives.
And sign up for a daily Big Sports Day email here. It’s not particularly funny but, hey, glass houses and all that.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
WELCOME BACK, SIMON AMSTELL