10 essential tricks for remembering people’s names
Say what you will about the rule of six: at least it was easy to keep up with everyone. Now that most restrictions in the UK have been lifted, we might not only be catching up with acquaintances we have not seen for well over a year, but meeting new people – and our brains might be struggling to keep up. Here are 10 tips for priming your mind.
Believe that you will remember
Set out with the attitude that you will remember, says Rebecca Lockwood, a neurolinguistic programming (NLP) and positive psychology trainer based in Yorkshire. “I used to be that person who’d say: ‘I’m sorry, I’m really bad with names’ – then I realised that I was constantly communicating with myself to say: ‘I cannot do this.’”
In addition, telling someone you won’t remember their name suggests to them that you don’t think they are significant. “Tell yourself: ‘I’m really good at remembering names,’” says Lockwood. “It really is as simple as that.”
Less recall, more rapport
In general, the ease with which you remember people is a reflection of the rapport you feel with them, says Lockwood: “These connections are stronger, which will help you remember other people – but also help other people remember you.” You can support this by seeking conversational common ground, or even subtly mirroring some of their body movements.
“It’s all right thinking: ‘I want to remember things about so-and-so,’ but what will support that is you helping them to feel comfortable,” says Lockwood. “Then you’ll naturally remember, because the energy and excitement around the conversation will be heightened.”
Say their name during the conversation
Using someone’s name in conversation with them, to commit it to memory and to put them at ease, is a known trick of politicians. The risk is that you can overdo it. But, subtly done, saying someone’s name aloud not only reiterates it to yourself, but also bolsters the connection between you and the person to whom you are speaking, says Lockwood. This in itself is likely to support your memory.
Ask questions to which you want to know the answers
Mark Channon, a brain performance coach and a former “Grand Master of Memory”, teaches a technique known as “priming”, where “the exposure to one stimulus influences the response to another stimulus”. This supports you to direct your attention unconsciously. “The technique is really simple: you’ve just got to get into the habit of asking good questions,” he says. “If the brain thinks something is important or interesting, it will naturally pay attention to it.”
You might even lay the groundwork by wondering, ahead of time, what might be interesting about the other person, or what you want to find out about them, so that you are especially attuned during the conversation. This works well for remembering what you read in books, too, says Channon. “Ask yourself: ‘What could this book give me?’ Take a guess.”
Play word games
Coming up with a rhyme, pun, story or alliterative nickname can help underscore someone’s name in your brain. Alternatively, you could try to link their first name to a feature of their appearance, or to their surname.
When Fiona Dalziel, a Girlguiding leader and trainer, meets someone new, she tries to make a connection between their name and something they do, or where she met them. In Dalziel’s mind, an editor named Sarah Smith might become “Sarah the word Smith”. Sam Green could lead to “I don’t like Green eggs and Sam”, as in the Dr Seuss book. “The play on words and stories really helps,” says Dalziel.
Picture this
Just as you might find it easier to remember faces than names, picturing something activates your memory in a different way than simply saying it.
If you meet a Mark, imagine a marker pen scribbling all over his face, suggests Channon. This works for cementing biographical details, too. “If they work in IT, imagine them typing on a computer; if they’ve got two kids, you see them jumping up and down.” Even writing down “Mark”, while entering his number into your phone, for instance, gives your brain another route to remember it later.
Fill your ‘memory palace’
A more advanced technique that Channon teaches is creating a “memory palace” – as in Sherlock Holmes. Decide on an image to represent what you are trying to remember, then picture it in a specific place, such as on an item of furniture in a room you know well. You could even mentally pin the image (such as the image of Mark the IT consultant typing at a computer) to a particular body part of the person you are talking to (Mark’s arm). “Never tell people what you’re imagining, obviously – it’s crazy stuff,” says Channon. But the combination of a picture, standing in for meaning, with a place to “keep” it, helps to create a mental map and organise information for later retrieval.
Create a system to which you can return
Over 20 years, Channon has developed a mental library for names. “Over time, you end up with a vocabulary: David is always a star, Michelle is always a missile. It’s odd, but it works to remember people until you know them.”
Teachers lean on similar methods when getting to know a new class. Harriet Morris, a former teacher, would think of celebrities, or whatever other image she could wrench from pupils’ names: “The stranger, the better. For ‘Maribelle’, I hold the image of marrying a bell and her being the registrar. I had no problem learning 150 names in two weeks every September.”
Make peace with forgetting
The worst thing you can do, when
put on the spot to remember something, is to try. The brain’s prefrontal cortex, which deals with focus, reasoning and memory, starts to shut down under pressure. That is why that elusive name or detail comes to you long after it is relevant: your retention is much better when you are relaxed.
“It sounds counterproductive, but once you’re OK with forgetting, it’s way easier to remember,” says Channon.
If you are caught out having forgotten someone’s name, it’s best just to be honest. “Everyone forgets,” says Channon. “For me, it’s worse because I teach this stuff. I say: ‘Your name’s slipped my mind, tell me what it is again and I’ll remember it this time’ – or I make a joke about it. We’re not robots.”