Jessica Fern
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-monogamy
You’ve probably seen the memes. Developed half a century ago by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory has found renewed interest online in the past few years, thanks to our apparent collective need to typecast ourselves via a short, free quiz. And look, it’s fair enough that people reach for astrology and attachment types: of course there’s nothing more interesting than you or your relationships.
The most popular incarnation of attachment theory posits a matrix of four attachment styles organised along two axes of anxiety and avoidance: there’s secure, avoidant/dismissive, anxious/preoccupied and disorganised/fearful-avoidant. Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern uses this matrix, alongside other models for understanding trauma and desire, to offer resources for people in consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationships whose needs are overlooked and even maligned in most mainstream relationship advice. As Fern points out, CNM and kink are often automatically pathologised, though they can be practices that people choose in “intentional, highly attuned, connected and meaningful ways”.
Practical advice makes up a smaller portion of the book than I expected. Parts
1 and 2 respectively introduce the existing canon of work on attachment theory and nonmonogamy, so it’s really only the final third of the book that delivers strategies for navigating love and commitment in the context of trauma. Fern’s nested model of trauma – which considers global and societal factors such as environmental anxiety and capitalism alongside the domestic and familial – is useful, intuitive and a welcome shift away from paradigms that focus too narrowly on an individual’s childhood and home life. But it’s not exactly groundbreaking, either. I often found myself thinking, “Yes, and…?” Like, of course we’re all deeply heartbroken by this world!
So I found myself a sometimes frustrated reader, especially when Fern speaks more to the transition into CNM rather than CNM alone. But that’s a common feature of the genre, shaped by the bigger market share of curious monogamists compared with readers who are already practising polyamory. I did appreciate that Fern is careful not to assume a hierarchy of primary versus secondary partners, or that all relationships must escalate towards committed, secure attachment. She embraces the value of sex for its own sake and stresses that the quality of a relationship can’t be created through structure alone. The architecture is only a container.
Fern’s plain-speaking style may appeal to some readers, and the frequent use of diagrams and lists gives Polysecure a pleasing workbook feel, although I would have liked more case studies and narrative. My biggest quibble, perhaps, is that the prose lacks any sense of romance or eroticism, which makes me distrust her advice. It feels all a bit too sensible. To my mind, that’s not what love is for.
Scribe Publications, 288pp, $32.99