THE GREAT CONSPIRACY

In the period of enforced idleness that we have been through it seems the devil was busy making work for those idle hands. In particular he was working on his favourite hobby — conspiracy theories. Didn’t he do well? I especially like the interaction of microwave radiation with virus — who knew?

Deception

Lately I have begun to look askance at my cat, Haybale — so called because he was supposed to be an ‘outside’ cat, who, upon my taking up residence, transformed into a decidedly more ‘inside’ version of himself, airily pretending that he had never been anything else.

I have my suspicions of the cat. He is clearly smarter than he pretends. I think he has been manipulating me. He makes me get up early to accompany him to the kitchen so he can eat. He’s very fussy — he only eats kibble; he turned down veal the other day until I covered it in kibble.

He makes me get up every day by yowling and then clawing the walls.

If I fail to respond, and I usually do, then he starts on the furniture or he will shred paper on the floor in frustration. He has me trained well, though, so eventually I do respond and he follows me to the kitchen and eats while I watch his back. He has me at his beck and call. There is no gratitude, no fawning, no thank you. In fact, I’m convinced that he is a member of the Illuminati, if only from the contemptuous looks he gives me, as if he knows things I don’t.

You can’t fool the dog

The dog on the other hand is not so much of a threat. He doesn’t trust the cat, either. Dogs are good judges of character. I have the seen the cat attempting to recruit the dog by trying to win his affection. He rubs himself on the dog, he lets him sniff his bum, but to no avail — the dog still doesn’t trust him. It might be the cats he used to live with, who ambushed him on a regular basis, but I suspect he has a sixth sense that warns him that cats are not trustworthy.

In fact, if the cat is sitting in the middle of the hall, as he often is, the dog won’t walk past. He sits growling to himself until I come to rescue him. He knows something! He doesn’t trust the cat.

The truth at last

In fact, it’s very likely that the cat is in on the 5G conspiracy. I suspect the new tower in town was installed to allow cats to communicate with Illuminati HQ. That 5G is actually tuned to the cat’s vibrational frequency — a very high C. They are reporting on us all; it’s the chips in them. They can control those chips with 5G, too; that’s how they send out instructions, you know. The chips in their heads are receivers. I might have to do a video on it; I think we’re on to something.

Cats can carry the virus, too. Had you thought of that? Maybe that’s the link between the 5G and the virus. Our cats will poison us all at the command of the Illuminati via the cell-phone tower. Then Bill Gates will inject us all with the vaccine that contains the same chip the cats have — must need a big needle — and we will all be controlled from the 5G tower. That would be it. I need some more hydroxychloroquine but I can’t go out till I find my tinfoil hat, and I haven’t finished my isolation suit — you can’t be too careful. Where’s my mask?

“In fact, it’s very likely that the cat is in on the 5G conspiracy”