Turnbull’s testing time
HELLO, my name is Malcolm Turnbull. I’m delighted that you’re thinking about undertaking Australia’s citizenship test. “I’ve been having a bit of a play with the questions, so before you take the real one, would you mind being my guinea pig? Oops, I mean test case and answering a few multiple choice questions just to give me a sense if Pauline, oops again, I mean, if I’M on the right track to winning my next election?” “Oh laddie, I’m a wee bit nervous,” William MacTaggert, of Scotland, said as he adjusted his kilt to let in the tropical Cairns breeze. “Excellent. I am too. “Question 1. What are your skills? A. You have lots; B. You have some; C. You have none “Oh I dinnae what ye lookin’ for Laddie Turnbull but I’m a labourer. I work hard. I’ve been down coal mines, picked fruit until my arms have felt like they would drop off and slaved in abattoirs until I couldn’t smell anything except intestines. So, I’ll answer B.” Hmmm, Mr Turnbull thought. Oil’ William here has the potential to take jobs from Aussies and make my unemployment rate worse. Crikey, the welfare system would blow out if I signed off on too many “MacTaggerts”. Just think of all those Aussies whose dream it is to work in those industries – they would hate me for letting a foreigner take their dream job away.
“Yes, well, OK William. Perhaps we’ll try another question. This one’s about religion. Question 2. Which national sport would you swear allegiance to?
A. Rugby league; B. Australian rules; C. Lawn bowls
“Nae, Mr Turnbull, while I’m Christian, Scotland is like Australia. We’re proud to be multi-faith and multicultural. That was one of the things that made me want to be an Australian citizen. I respect religions and their followers who act decently.”
Mr Turnbull scratched his head.
“But we only follow rugby league here. All this talk about Aussie rules, football, netball – we don’t really embrace all of those religions. People who support them are dangerous. DANGEROUS!
“OK how about another question. This one is a bit controversial.
“Question 3. Do you leave the toilet seat up after use?
A. Yes, because you want to be able to go quickly during parliamentary Question Time breaks; B. No, because Tony Abbott may be next in line to use it; C. Neither because you’re used to using a hole in the ground
“Mr Turnbull, I can assure you, I’m used to using a Western toilet and I’m happily married to a beautiful wee lassie whom I love and respect.”
“Yes, well you seem to appreciate women. That’s a good thing – better than some Aussie men.”
“Er, I dinnae ken what else I can tell you, Mr Turnbull.”
“Oh I think you understand MacTaggert. Perhaps I could get your thoughts on a few other issues I have ...”
BUT WE ONLY FOLLOW RUGBY LEAGUE HERE. ALL THIS TALK ABOUT AUSSIE RULES, FOOTBALL, NETBALL – WE DON’T REALLY EMBRACE ALL OF THOSE RELIGIONS. PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT THEM ARE DANGEROUS. DANGEROUS!