Au naturel in nature

ARE you in the mood to go nude? Starkers, naked, sans-clothing? Take the opportunity to get back to nature — right back to nature — it’s World Naked Gardening Day. It has been a solemn couple of weeks for the city, dealing with court decisions on the random CBD murder of Philip Quayle and mum Raina Thaiday, who will not face prosecution for killing eight children, seven of them her own. So to relax, I’m considering stripping down and baring my green thumb in the garden. Forget the fig leaf, I’m going to take inspiration from my cheeky three-year-old daughter, who loves nothing more than going “nudie” any chance she gets. On her it’s adorable; for a middle-aged woman, not so much. The point of the day, men and women, is to stand up, get out and enjoy being as one with nature.

Apparently gardening nude is fun but I’m guessing that depends on which side of the fence you’re posing from.

If nothing else I look forward to not having to worry about what to wear.

Although, I wish I could wear my birthday suit from more years ago than my ego and butt are willing to admit.

Ahh, I can feel the sun burning my most intimate parts now and look forward to my skin flaking in the coming days like snow falling at Thredbo.

I’m going to enjoy the moment one wrinkly bit at a time as I shrug off my inhibitions and give my garden the love and attention it deserves.

Forget the gloves and gumboots — that would be cheating — I’m going to try not to feel like a (little) boob when my lovely neighbours realise what I’m doing.

Clip, clip, clip, better mind what I’m pruning. “Howdy, neighbour!” Oooo, I could get the hang of this. Pump the mower’s primer, pull the cord and feel the surge in power as the mower roars into action and takes off down the lawn, cutting grass like there’s no tomorrow with clothes.

Mind the clippings as you empty the catcher; mixed with sweat that could develop into an itch that just can’t be scratched.

After I’m done it’s out with the big blower to tidy up around the place.

Now there’s a sight for the imagination, thundering weapon in a naked woman’s hands.

Time for a little landscaping, don’t you think? Where’s the shovel?

Dig, dig, dig, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle. Up to the elbows in dirt.

Plant that tropical palm and the grapevine you know will grow all the way to the end of the street after this little escapade.

Finally, it’s time to water. Where’s my hose? ... Phew, this World Naked Gardening Day may be a little too hot to handle for me.

I I WISH I COULD WEAR MY BIRTHDAY SUIT FROM MORE YEARS AGO THAN MY EGO AND BUTT ARE WILLING TO ADMIT. I’M GOING TO ENJOY THE MOMENT ONE WRINKLY BIT AT A TIME AS I SHRUG OFF MY INHIBITIONS