Keep cool ... if you can

Good evening viewers, well it was another scorcher today. It really was unbelievable. Almost as unbelievable as Malcolm Turnbull’s pledge to walk away from politics rather than hang around like a miserable ghost. There were no surprises today; the furnace we’ve been melting in for the past couple of weeks remained dialled up and it looks like another bat-killer today. That should make Kennedy MP Bob Katter happy and cause critter lovers to screech louder than a flying fox colony in the Cairns CBD on a warm summer’s night. However, the bat clean-up is in hand so the foul stench should be under control and resident Philippa Schroor at Edmonton can hopefully live in her home without gagging. As you can see on the map this evening folks, the weather has been a bit rough up on the Tablelands again. Hail the size of my uncle’s giant double-headed pineapple in Innisfail have been landing in some parts and winds stronger than what comes out of an over-opinionated politician’s mouth have been blowing over trampolines and Aunty Mabel’s chook pen.

So what has been causing this heatwave? Well, depends on who you listen to. I’ve had advice in the weather office from experts on my left who say we’re getting everything we deserve right now and unless we want to end up a giant Townsville wasteland we need to turn off all our lights, eat dinner off a banana leaf and visit the Reef today before it shrivels up and dies tomorrow.

However, I, like many weather watchers, am also being shouted at by the experts on my right, who are telling us we should crank up another coal-fired power station in Bunda St, ramp up plastic straw production and tell everyone they’re a mob of flaming idiots because that’s our democratic right.

So, it reached a top of Bloody Hot today with the absolute humidity of Wet Soaking Blanket.

We think these conditions will remain for the rest of the week in ideal El Nino style, who was reportedly seen sipping pina coladas by the pool at the new Riley hotel on the Esplanade. His pattern would be to book out in the next month or two with weather watchers hoping La Niña, who has been seen packing her bags, arrives for a tropical holiday.

Cyclone Owen flirted with FNQ for a while but like most exes is keeping low and not engaging in any meaningful way.

Ultimately, you should be able to get on with your Christmas shopping in a predictable heat-stressed fashion.

Well, that’s it for your report tonight viewers. It promises to be another hot one tomorrow but like our council, just hang in and do everything you can to keep your cladding from catching fire and everything will be cool.

Good night.

ULTIMATELY, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET ON WITH YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING IN A PREDICTABLE HEAT-STRESSED FASHION.