Insider report

I’m Simon Coggle, Head of Agitation at Caliburnus Automotive, and I’m here to tell you all supercars look the same. Ferraris, McLarens, Porsches: if you can even tell the diference, you should probably be running this company instead of me!

Which is why, as our mission to build Wales’ – and indeed the world’s – frst 300mph production car gathers pace, I decide not to enlist the services of a recognised car designer or styling house to bring our vision to life. Instead I call upon Joël Canape, avant-garde furniture maker to the rich and famous.

Carl Woodcock, my co-founder, suggests that, before fnessing the design, we should nail down a few of the car’s mechanical basics. Like its drivetrain. And transmission. And engine.

“Carl,” I say. “When that Jackson artist chap was splattering paint all over the place, do you think he cared what the canvas was made of?”

“Pollock,” says Carl. There’s no need to be like that.

Joël visits us at our glamorous Methyr Tydfl facility.

“You are deranged. I have never drawn a car,” he says.

“Perfect!” I reply.

“I am appallingly expensive,” he adds.

“Even better!” I say. Joël departs with a swish of his denim cape.

A month later, his sketches arrive. Excitedly, Carl and I unfurl the drawings. There is a long, hushed pause. “It’s not quite what I was expecting,” says Carl.

I tell Carl he’s trapped in the past, hamstrung by the aesthetic of the orthodox.

“Be that as it may,” says Carl, “what Joël seems to have drawn… is an oak sideboard. Look! It’s got drawers. And a little cactus in a pot on top.”

I return to Joël, and tell him that, while we adore the power and originality of his design, we were hoping for something a little more… car-shaped. Joël gets rather upset. He snaps a pencil. On my forehead.

I explain to Carl that Joël refuses to compromise his creative vision. Carl says he fears a sideboard will struggle to hit 300 miles an hour. On account of the adverse aerodynamics. And also on account of being a sideboard.

“OK, we’ll go to another designer,” I concede. Carl points out I’ve already blown our entire design budget.

“Ah,” I say. “We could… just make it look like a bit like an old Noble and hope for the best?”

NEXT MONTH – ENGINEERING