60-second screenPlay
TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE, WE DOWNSIZE VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS…
Valerian And The Overlong Title That’s The Least Of Its Problem.
FADE IN: INT: 28TH CENTURY SPACE STATION Amazing aliens! David Bowie! No sign of any inane dialogue! WORLD PRESIDENT RUTGER HAUER Yeeeeah, it’s all downhill from here. Hey, welcome to the future, Luc Besson-style: skinny supermodels, impractical clothing, 50 shades of fluoro orange. EXT: THE PLANET MUL A scene that could be Avatar Goes To The Beach. Visionary vistas. Uncommonly creatures. Then a hedgehog thing shits pearls everywhere. What the actual?! ALIEN I 1 told you to go easy on those oysters! ALIEN 2 Um, anyone wanna play smelly marbles? Everything explodes, awakening MISCAST SPACE SOLDIER DANE DEHAAN. DANE DEHAAN Whoa… I just had the most incredible dream about a film that’s better when I’m not on screen! CARA DELEVINGNE Did you say something? I’m struggling a bit with your sub-Keanu whisper. DANE DEHAAN You and the audience both, babe! Hey, marry me. It’s not like our chemistry can get any worse!
INT: INTERGALACTIC MARKET
DANE and CARA dash about a vast virtual market, get into a virtual firefight and trade virtual banter. CARA DELEVINGNE MacGuffin – check! Star Wars-y desertscape – check! Viewers already flicking through their phones – check! INT: ALPHA, AKA CITY OF A THOUSAND EXPOSITIONAL BRIEFINGS COMMANDER CLIVE OWEN SO FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES I WILL LOUDLY SNARL OUT A PLOT SYNOPSIS. SPREADING INFECTION! DEAD TROOPS! BLATANTLY OBVIOUS BRITISH BADDIE! Oh wait, that’s me. Surprise! DANE DEHAAN Well, time to go explore this giant greenscreen abyss… I mean, exotic megalopolis! COMMANDER CLIVE OWEN Hey, you know what this goofy, brightly coloured comic-book romp needs? A big ol’ torture scene!
DANE dashes off through a warren of soundstages, each one as lime-coloured as the last, ending up by the bogs. CARA DELEVINGNE How will I find Dane?!? Oh look, three aliens that look like Howard the Duck cross-bred with a ballsack. They’re sure to be a ton of help.
CARA locates DANE via the tried and tested method of sticking her head up a jellyfish’s bum. The duo meet the movie’s most outlandish beings,
ETHAN HAWKE and RIHANNA, who uniquely appear not to be made of wood. RIHANNA Shall I just do a show for the next 10 minutes? This movie’s not going to pad itself!
RIHANNA briefly shape-shifts into a myriad different guises. The film briefly shape-shifts into something that resembles entertainment.
DANE and CARA get into a scrap with a ruthless tribe who force CARA to wear a sombrero the size of a paddling pool. RIHANNA is wounded and dies with dignity. Looking like a giant wodge of CGI bubblegum. INT: CAVERNOUS ALIEN HALL CARA DELEVINGNE Hey, where’d all the special effects go? Are we in the middle of a software update or something? ELIZABETH DEBICKI Hey, you know those big robot death troopers you’ve been waiting to go apeshit the whole film? Guess what, they’re just going to stand outside while we talk for HOURS AND HOURS. CLIVE OWEN Hey, why don’t we have some frustrating flashback glimpses of a really cool-looking space battle while I do some more snarling! DANE DEHAAN Off to prison, Clive! Home you go, nice aliens! Whoa, so I was possessed by one of them all this time? Hey, is that some attempt to retcon my to-put-it-kindly dreamy performance? CARA DELEVINGNE Well, it was either that or rename the film The Stiff Element… FIN NEXT ISSUE: THE DARK TOWER