It shouldn’t happen to a film journalist
Acting features ed Jamie graham lifts the lid on film journalism.
Jamie argues films with his barista. And father-in-law.
The barista at my local Caffè Nero is a film fan. Many mornings I almost miss my train because he skilfully holds my latte just out of reach as he raves or rants about some new title he’s seen, and he never fails to update me on the flex and flux of his Top 5, which last year finished thus: 1) Warcraft 2) London Has Fallen
3) Independence Day: Resurgence
4) Suicide Squad 5) Ben-Hur.
Oddly, given just how much our tastes differ, he always asks for my opinion on upcoming movies, and then tosses them back in my face a month or so later: “You said the new Spider-Man was good; it’s bad,” was a typical exchange, while he was quick to criticise Zootopia for its narrative deficiencies
(“I like a good story”), only to laud Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice in the very same breath.
Still, I was confident that we’d at least agree on Dunkirk given the gamut of reactions, from press and punters alike, ranged from ace to masterpiece. “Very boring,” came the Monday morning verdict as he clutched my latte to his chest – a withering appraisal that he then undercut somewhat by asking me which war the movie was set in.
Shared paSSion
At the risk of sounding like a pompous prick, there are times when I really can’t be arsed to have these chats. I’m tired, I’m late, I just want my coffee. Likewise, it gets repetitive being asked the same questions at every party – “What’s your favourite movie?” “Who’s the best person you’ve ever interviewed?” “Who’s the worst?” – and having every cabbie tell me about the film, whatsitcalled, starring thingamajig, he saw the other day.
Most of the time, however, it delights me. As small talk goes, chatting movies beats hell out of the weather, and the day that cinema is no longer my passion is the day I hand in my badge as a film journo.
The great thing about movies is that everyone, to some degree or another, watches them (well, apart from the guy I met a couple of years ago who stated he’d never, in 35 years, seen a film
– a claim that made my brain boggle), and most people are keen to proffer their thoughts. OK, so I might struggle to comprehend how anyone could consider Warcraft a triumph while hating on La La Land and Moonlight, but others will no doubt wince that my own favourites of 2017 are Toni Erdmann, The Lost City Of Z and The Florida Project. Tomato, to-mate-o. Opinions, arseholes.
Talking crap
And yet… some opinions are just plain wrong. I long ago gave up debating movies with my fatherin-law, and now just nod along mutely when he again tells me that Down Periscope is the greatest film ever made. I even revisited the damn thing with him in an effort to understand its “genius”, but barely caught a line of dialogue as he pre-emptively howled and hooted from start to finish.
It was no surprise, then, when I received a text saying, “Watched Dunkirk. I am genuinely appalled. Uniforms (both sides) totally wrong. Para weren’t formed until much later. Bazooka or Panzerfaust not invented. Script terrible.” I ignored it, but continued to receive goading messages for the next couple of months until I was finally in a room with him and he could vent at me freely. And then it happened: suddenly it became clear that the Dunkirk he’d seen was not Christopher Nolan’s intimate epic but Nick Lyon’s Operation Dunkirk, which is everything you’d expect from the director of Earthtastrophe and Stormageddon.
Ah, sweet, sweet schadenfreude. For a week. Until he watched the correct Dunkirk and sent a five-word text: “Atrocious. Love to you both.” He’d be better off with my barista as a son-in-law…
Jamie will return next issue… For more misadventures, follow: @jamie_graham9 on Twitter.
‘The day ThaT cinema is no longer my passion is The day i hand in my badge’