60-second screenplay
TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE…
Kingsman: The Golden Circle is reduced to rust.
FADE IN: EXT: SAVILE ROW, LONDON
Former Cockernee spy trainee TARON EGERTON has completed his transformation into Google Glass Austin Powers.
TARON EGERTON
Taxi! To the land of over-stylised batshit excess, guv’nor – and step on it! It’s been 10 faackin’ seconds already! It’s Kingsman versus cyborg as a thrilling chase scene ensues, exhausting the characters, the audience and the film’s arsenal of thrilling chase scenes.
TARON EGERTON
Do one, Robo-cock! Now I’ve gotta spend the next couple of hours wading through sewage… talk about an on-thenose in-joke! In a game-changing twist that also frees up some budget to pay for, say, a few American A-listers, most of the supporting cast is wiped out.
TARON EGERTON
Michael Gambon! Nooo! My supposed best mate whom I’m already over! Nooo! Oh well, that should probably buy us another half-day of Jeff Bridges, at least.
MARK STRONG
To pass the bizarrely long time until the next set-piece, I suggest we initiate the Get Shitfaced protocol.
TARON EGERTON
OK, I’ve worked out our next move; we need to pander shamelessly to the American market, I mean, join forces with our transatlantic counterparts!
INT: KENTUCKY DISTILLERY CHANNING TATUM
Hey y’all, hey y’all! Y’all should know, ah’m here to break the record for use of the word ‘y’all’, then I’m buggering off into a coma for the rest of the film. See y’all next time! TARON EGERTON and MARK STRONG are taken to Statesman HQ, where they discover that COLIN FIRTH is actually recovering nicely from his fatal headshot wound.
HALLE BERRY
Yeah, don’t ya know, we put some ice on it and he was right as rain. But there’s a serious plot-stalling complication; he’s got the dullest case of movie amnesia that we’ve seen since that time Michelle Rodriguez tried to worm out of being married to Vin Diesel in whichever Fast & Furious it was. To restore COLIN FIRTH’s memory, the agents swiftly agree to follow the strict medical procedure for such an occurrence: almost drowning him, then threatening to off a puppy.
COLIN FIRTH
…And I’m back! What’d I miss? Less excitement than one of those meerkat ads? Oh.
TARON EGERTON
Don’t worry – one more bout of insincere sentiment then it’ll be time for the gratuitous fingering scene! Schoolboy sniggers at the ready, people!
JEFF BRIDGES
The group behind the attack is called The Golden Circle; further research has revealed they borrowed the name from an old Viz annual.
INT: GOLDEN CIRCLE HIDEOUT, CAMBODIA
Drugs overlady JULIANNE MOORE cunningly avoids detection by operating from an eye-scorching monument to ’50s kitsch visible from Saturn.
JULIANNE MOORE
Now for phase two of my plan: turning the world’s drug users into Smurfs with herpes! Plus an injection of spurious social commentary! Arriving in Cambodia, TARON EGERTON and COLIN FIRTH discover the shocking truth about PEDRO PASCAL: that he’s the only Statesman who has even half a story arc.
TARON EGERTON
Elton John! Help us! Play some hits and yell “fuck” a lot! The only way to save this movie is to turn it into Tantrums & Tiaras 2.0! PEDRO PASCAL, JULIANNE MOORE and her Decepticon dogs are dispatched, and all the drug users return from looking like the world’s biggest amateur production of Avatar.
TARON EGERTON
Time to leave this Happy Days set before someone says we’ve jumped the sh… it! FIN NEXT ISSUE THOR: RAGNAROK