60-second screenplay
TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM…
Chewing up dino flick Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.
EXT: ISLA NUBLAR
At the abandoned Jurassic World site, a group of mercenaries explore the former Creature From The Splat Lagoon ride, looking for bones. Preferably not their own.
NERVOUS MERCENARY 1
Wait a minute – opening scene, darkness, water, scary music…
NERVOUS MERCENARY 2
…And I’m not wearing any pants! It’s a Jaws homage! Help! The giant mosasaurus makes a giant ‘mos’ of everyone.
INT: COURTROOM JEFF GOLDBLUM
So, so, so, soooooo… yeah, gosh, wow, gosh, uh-huh [clicks tongue, rolls eyes; rolls tongue, clicks eyes].
JUDGE
Oh, for f… the question was, “Would you like a glass of water, Mr. Goldblum?”
JEFF GOLDBLUM
So as I was saying… God creates dinosaurs. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Director rings Jeff. Director says, “How about an easy-money cameo? We can do it round yours.” Jeff says, “HELL YES!” The judge rules that dinosaurs shouldn’t be saved, and that Jeff should try to be in the next film a bit more; either that or they should bring back Laura Dern.
INT: SOON-TO-BE-HAUNTED-MANSION JAMES CROMWELL
I’ll help you rescue the dinosaurs, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD! Mind you, I had a hard enough time bossing that lippy porker Babe back in the day, so God knows how I expect to get the entire Land Before Time cast on a ferry.
EVIL RAFE SPALL
I may be some kind of asshole, I mean, of assistance. Now back to bed, Mr. Cromwell, before you catch your… death. How much arsenic would you like in your Horlicks? BRYCE heads to Isla Nublar with raptor whisperer CHRIS PRATT, some wholly trustworthy mercenaries and tech nerd JuSTICE SMITH, who makes Moss from
The IT Crowd look like Iron Man.
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
Hey everyone, let’s go on the Gyro-Fear ride! Please keep your belongings, limbs and major organs with you at all times. With impeccable timing, the Tragic Mountain ride starts vomiting lava all over the place. Somehow the gang manage to herd the most vicious, violent dinos on to boats, but not the gentle, leaf-eating ones.
ABANDONED BRACHIOSAURUS
Oi, get back here! I’m the only one the viewers give a toss about! You’ll be sorry when the critics say it’s all FX, no emotion! This wouldn’t happen in The Flintstones…
INT: COUNTRY HOUSE OF HORRORS
EVIL RAFE SPALL and MINI-TRuMP TOBY JONES auction off the dinosaurs as living weapons to some of the world’s richest, dumbest people.
MINI-TRUMP TOBY JONES
C’mon, what’s the difference from soldiers riding horses into war? Apart from dinos preferring human flesh to small apples and sugar cubes.
EVIL RAFE SPALL
Buy one, get one, flee!
RICH BASTARD
I bid a squillion dollars to bring back Steven Spielberg! Seasoned mercenary TED LEVINE decides it’d be a good idea to get in a cage with the deadliest predator in history.
INDORAPTOR
Seasoned my arse! I’m the Don’t-GetIndo-Cage-Raptor, fool. As the Indo goes on the rampage, CHRIS and BRYCE decide to stop it by any implausible means necessary. After using their built-in dickweed detectors to kill RAFE, the dinos flee the house.
T-REX
Come on ladies, let’s get our threequel started! u-S-Slay! u-S-Slay!
INT: COURTROOM JEFF GOLDBLUM
Me again? Sweet. This bit’s in the ads, so I get extra, right? Welcome to Jurassic World: Fallen Ker-ching-dom!
FIN
NEXT ISSUE:
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: FALLOUT