YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?
Film quotes pose as questions. Film stars try to cope.
You talkin’ to me?
Yeah, I am talking to you, and I’m very happy doing so. I’m sorry to say I haven’t seen Taxi Driver. It’s insane. It’s a bit like not knowing how to add up. But the shoddy way in which I’ve engaged with our film heritage is finally paying off, because I’ve still got all this stuff to watch.
Do you feel lucky, punk?
It would be nice if this was how punks spoke to each other, like how chefs call each other “chef”. “Thank you for asking, punk.” I think this could be introduced to the punk world, and help them get the respect that chefs get. But, yes, I spent the summer getting paid to go to musical festivals – that is lucky.
You talk the talk, do you walk the walk?
I’m better at talking than I am at walking. I’m too good at talking, and not good enough at walking. Basically, I talk for too long, and then people walk away – that’s the arrangement, normally.
You either surf or fight…
I have a bone to pick with this. I’m not quite sure that this is a true dichotomy. It seems like there’s not very many choices there. It’s a bit harsh that you have to surf.
‘I’M QUITE BRAVE. I CAN GO TO HORROR FILMS ON MY OWN, LIKE NO SWEAT. IT’S FINE’
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Chance would be a fine thing, mate. I don’t know what this is from. To be honest, if it’s not from Jurassic Park,
I have no hope, and I don’t remember Sam Neill saying that.
You ever have that feeling where you’re not sure if you’re awake or still dreaming?
I once woke up, and thought I’d invented a quote. It was: “The carousel doesn’t turn – we turn the funfair.” I said to my brother, “That’s fucking good, isn’t it?” He was like, “That’s meaningless.” So I do enter that stage between asleep and awake sometimes, but the results aren’t quite as fruitful as I think they are.
What’s your favourite scary movie?
I don’t want to blow my own trumpet, but I’m quite brave. I can go to horror films on my own, like no sweat. It’s fine. The first thing where I really freaked out was when I saw an episode of Poirot as a kid, and there was a pair of legs sticking out from behind the sofa with blood on them. I was like, “Oh, God!” It really blew my mind. So my answer to that is Poirot. [laughs] Not a film, not scary.
If you could change something in your life, anything at all, what would it be?
I would be really good at spontaneously coming up with witty answers. [laughs]
Do you like what you do for a living, these things you see?
I love what I do for a living. I always wanted to do comedy. I mean, not from birth, but from an early age. Comedians were my heroes. And I always wanted to be able to make people laugh.
Only two kinds of men get shot – criminals and victims. Which one are you?
I’d say victim, but I think this quote is implying that it’s better to be a criminal, which I don’t approve of. It’s almost like saying that victims are losers, and the criminals are heroes. Also, I’m confused, because I thought that surfing was also an option.
What’s the last thing that you do remember?
What an amazingly cryptic question. The word “do” is so baffling. The last thing is, I thought I’d answered all the questions quite well, but that has now gone out of the window.
What would you do if you knew you had less than one minute to live?
I’d change into some shorts. I’m not a lover of shorts. I’m a gentleman and, I must admit, I don’t think it’s a great look. But the British heatwave has broken me.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus! Thank you, finally one I know. All the times I should have seen another film, I just rewatched Jurassic Park. This is the problem. I’m preparing for a non-existent pub quiz that’s only about Jurassic Park.
Who brings a bag of shit to a pub?
[laughs] “Your dad does.” “Does he?” “Yeah, your mum.” What a cruel line. Funny, though. That was scripted by very good writers, I wish I could claim credit. Actually, I don’t wish I could claim credit for the bag of shit. I take no credit for that. That’s all their work. JF
ETA | 17 AUGUST / THE FESTIVAL OPENS NEXT MONTH.