YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?
Film quotes pose as questions. Film stars try to cope.
Joel McHale is.
Are you talkin’ to me?
Yes, but I am not paying attention. I’m in Seattle, Washington, looking at a beautiful sunset. Wanna see?
[he tweets a photo – see right – just to show us] That’s the view from my parent’s home that they bought in 1980 for $100,000. Values have gone up.
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Yeah, and if you ask me again I’m gonna kick your ass. Anybody at all that gets to work in the entertainment business is lucky. Not the adult entertainment business though, that’s just a downward spiral that leads to drug use and an early death. I still feel like the real job police are going to come and take me away. My older brother is an electrician.
In The Happytime Murders I got paid to scream at puppets.
You talk the talk. Do you walk the walk?
Well that’s technically from Full Metal Jacket, but I’m pretty sure that had been said before… So I nailed you on that one, Kubrick! But do I talk the talk or walk the walk? No. I walk the talk and talk the walk. But sometimes I just saunter and mumble. To be honest though, I live in LA, so I basically just drive everywhere.
You either surf or fight…
I’d rather fight because I’m a terrible surfer and I hate getting sunburnt. I’m very, very worried about my skin looking too leathery when I’m older. There’s really good surfing in LA and San Diego, but I am not good at it. I’m a large white man in his forties so when other surfers see me coming they have that look on their face that sort of says, “We’ll get the ambulance ready.”
When you can live forever, what do you live for?
Well, if you’re like those kids from Twilight, you live for moping around. I have no idea what I live for. But if I was one of those Twilight kids, I’d love to live forever because I’d have so much money that I wouldn’t be able to spend it all. I could buy all the pale make-up and eyeliner I wanted.
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
No, it was more of an opaque moon. The devil mostly sticks to line dancing too, so it was pretty annoying.
If you could change something in your life, anything at all, what would it be?
I would want to have a tail. For balance, mainly. As men get older they lose their balance so I think a tail would really help. I think I’d go for a crazy long monkey tail. Something I could use as a third arm or third leg. I’d swing from tree to tree, my whole life would change.
You ever have that feeling where you’re not sure if you’re awake or still dreaming?
Yes, and that feeling is usually when I’m on the toilet after about nine pints. That would have been a whole different kind of Matrix.
Why so serious?
I wished this one applied to me. When I was a kid my mom would always say to me, “I can’t tell when you’re being serious.” And I would always respond, “I can’t tell either.” That was a real exchange in our house.
What would you do if you knew you had less than one minute to live?
I’d travel the world. It would be a very short trip and I probably wouldn’t get past pulling the suitcase out, but I’d like to know I gave it a shot.
What’s your favourite scary movie?
Scary Movie.
Do you like what you do for a living, these things you see?
I really do, I love these things that I do, right up until I have to see Love Island again [for Netflix series The Joel McHale Show With Joel McHale].
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Daredevil’s new villain? The most dangerous dinosaur on the planet when it’s in heat? There are so many ways I can go with this but they all involve slagging off old people…
Will your reality ever come out on Blu-ray so we can enjoy it?
My reality was actually about to come out on Blu-ray, but then the series got cancelled. And then it got picked up again for a sixth season. And then it got cancelled again… PB
ETA | 27 AUGUST / THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS OPENS LATER THIS MONTH.
‘I FEEL THE REAL JOB POLICE WILL TAKE ME AWAY. I’M PAID TO SCREAM AT PUPPETS’