60-SECOND SCREENPLAY

TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT…

Mission: Impossible – Fallout. Destructs in 60 seconds?

INT: TOM CRUISE’S HEAD IMF extra-special agent TOM dreams that his wedding is being officiated by über-terrorist SEAN HARRIS, just as a nuke drops. Not only that, the sausage rolls haven’t turned up and there isn’t enough pineapple for the cheese and pineapple hedgehog! INT: SAFEHOUSE, BELFAST

TOM CRUISE

Yaargh! That’s the last time I watch Don’t Tell The Bride before bedtime. The postie arrives with PowerPointaward-winning details of TOM’s latest mission.

MISSION-BESTOWING VOICE

Your mission, should you choose to accept it (spoiler alert: you accept it), is to make the previous Missions look like bad episodes of Spooks.

That one where you climbed the world’s tallest building? Yeah, that’s Agent Cody Banks on a jungle gym compared to the crazy shit you’ll do here. Good luck – break a leg! Or ankle, whatevs. EXT: BELFAST Faced with saving VING RHAMES or preventing baddies starting World War 3, TOM goes with VING.

VING RHAMES

Aw, cheers Tom! The world may die, but at least you’ve kept our bantz alive.

SIMON PEGG

Also, looks like you’ve saved us all the faff of making fake broadcasts of nuclear armageddon! Whoo-hoo! TOM gets the obligatory first-act bollocking not just from his superior, ALEC BALDWIN, but from his superior’s superior, ANGELA BASSETT.

ANGELA BASSETT

Yeah, we’re doubling down on everything in this one.

ALEC BALDWIN

You’re getting off lightly, TOM; that’s Black Panther’s mum, you know – you should have seen her lose her shit that time he scratched the skirting board…

HENRY CAVILL

Don’t mess with me, either – this is the ’tache that broke the DCEU!

TOM CRUISE

To France! How shall we travel? Passenger flight? Eurostar? No, let’s freefall through a Biblical thunderstorm onto a glass dome. INT: PARIS NIGHTCLUB

HENRY CAVILL

Ah, Paris. So many picturesque places for a punch-up. The Louvre, maybe? Notre Dame? No, let’s do it in the men’s loos. HENRY, TOM and MR. MACGUFFIN turn the toilets to crap. BATHROOM ATTENDANT Um… would anyone like a squirt of aftershave? Plaster? Ambulance? TOM and HENRY run into REBECCA FERGUSON from the last film and VANESSA KIRBY, whose mum was in the first film. TOM CRUISE What is this, a Fast & Furious reboot?! Who else is on the callback list? Tony Hopkins? Sawyer from Lost? Fred Durst?

SIMON PEGG

To London! Our mission now is to redress the abuse of geography you committed in The Mummy… TOM does 10 laps of the Thames, base-jumps from Big Ben and climbs the Gherkin backwards.

TOM CRUISE

Right, I’ve finished my warm-up, let’s… Oh no! Sort-of antagonist turned actual antagonist Henry is getting away!

HENRY CAVILL

Yeah, doesn’t really work to have a helicopter battle here… bloody congestion charge!

TOM CRUISE

To Kashmir! OK, gang – you distract the insurance people while I make the stunt people redundant! The whole IMF team frantically works together to ensure that TOM saves the day. Off-the-charts spectacle ensues.

THE AUDIENCE

Wow, that was amazing… I soiled myself and vomited popcorn at the same time! The cast line up to blow so much smoke up TOM’s ass that he’s able to go undercover as a chimney.

ANGELA BASSETT

Yes, well done Tom… now, could someone break me out of this iPhone screen? FIN NEXT ISSUE: THE MEG