60 Second Screenplay
TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: aquaman
FADE IN:
EXT: AMNESTY BAY, MAINE, 1985
As a storm batters the shore, lighthouse keeper TEMUERA MORRISON braves wind, rain and all the washedup shopping trollies to rescue runaway Atlantean queen NICOLE KIDMAN.
NICOLE KIDMAN
I am Nicole, star of daft DC film
Batman Forever!
TEMUERA MORRISON
I am Temuera, star of daft DC film
Green Lantern!
NICOLE KIDMAN
May our union bear a child who will be the star of the daftest DC movie ever!
Later, NICOLE bids her family farewell, vowing to one day return, when she’s done with her other filming commitments.
MINI MOMOA
There’s something up with this jumbo fish finger, Dad – it keeps saying “Don’t eat me you cannibal bastard! Just the breadcrumbs!”
TEMUERA MORRISON
It’s time you learned the truth, son. You are half-Atlantean, half-lighthouse.
Years later, Mini Momoa has ballooned into JASON MOMOA, a demi-god superhero who has rejected his heritage, as well as clothes.
JASON MOMOA
Steam! I command you to billow in slow motion about my naked torso as I punch stuff!
JASON foils a submarine hijack, but refuses to save pirate YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II’s drowning dad.
JASON MOMOA
Well, I’m sure that won’t come back to bite me on my tattooed ass… get the beers in, Pops!
TEMUERA MORRISON
Time to embrace your history, son… Apart from the whole debacle, I’d leave that off the CV.
Justice League
AMBER HEARD
Jason! It’s all kicking off in Atlantis! Only a shit-faced naked surfer dude can save us from war!
TEMUERA MORRISON
Go, son – I’ll stay here and catch up on my end-of-the-pier moping. Oh, Nicole…
JASON MOMOA
At least I won’t have to listen to you bang on about how you’ve “never met a woman so kind, so loving, so rich in Omega 3…”
JASON and AMBER head to Atlantis, where they meet next-big-fins DOLPHIN LUNDGREN, WILLEM DEFLOATER and FLATFISH WILSON.
WILLEM DEFLOATER
For fork’s sake, you need to find the magic trident of Atlan! You’ll know it when you see it – it’s the one piece of cutlery dumped in the sea that isn’t plastic.
FLATFISH WILSON
But first, Jason and I must fight in the ring of watery lava! In the arena of nonsensical physics!
Giving 200 fuzzy-eyed FX artists a break from animating wavy hair, JASON and AMBER scarper to the Sahara.
FIN
YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN II
I’m back! Prepare to feel my pain! And believe me, when you’re wearing headgear the size of a Land Rover, that’s a LOT of pain.
AMBER HEARD
Sorry, mate, can you save it for the sequel? We’re already overcrowded and we haven’t even got to the Kingdom Of The Scampi Fries and all the rest.
JASON journeys 20,000 plotholes under the sea to confront the menace that is JULIE ANDREWS.
JULIE ANDREWS
Hang on, I’m cameoing in the wrong blockbuster. Wait, does this mean there’s some psychotic octopus scaring the crap out of those Banks kids?
JASON gets the trident and there’s the epic reveal of his new suit, which no one has seen outside of the internet.
JASON MOMOA
All right Flatfish, you’ve haddock now!
JASON takes the throne, becoming the one true king prawn.
JASON MOMOA
[VOICEOVER]
Pops was a lighthouse keeper. Ma was a queen. Grandad was Free Willy. I’m a son of the land, king of the seas, and pissed as a newt. Um, roll credits before this gets aqua-ward, man!
NEXT ISSUE – GLASS