60-second screenplay
TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: AVENGERS: ENDGAME…
We go to a parallel timeline where Avengers: Endgame is terrible.
FADE IN:
EXT: JEREMY RENNER’S HOME, MID-SNAP
JEREMY RENNER
[Sobbing] It’s not fair… It’s not fair… While all the others are getting their Infinity War on, I’m stuck giving the kids archery lessons! Oh look, my whole family’s turned to ash. So now muggins here has got to clean the barbecue by himself, too! Gah! EXT: THE BENATAR, DEEP SPACE Robert Downey JR. is down to his last remaining one-liners.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Must… come up with… one more nickname for Karen Gillan’s character… ‘Grumpy Smurf’ jokes too easy…
BRIE LARSON
Cab-tain Marvel to the rescue! Btw, trying to mix monologuing with a reduced oxygen supply?! Scientific genius my arse! INT: AVENGERS COMPOUND, EARTH
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Look, let’s just try to get back to normal… start bickering, everyone!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I couldn’t stop Josh brolin.
CHRIS EVANS
neither could I.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Well, OUR battle killed Spider-Man. Actual face-of-Marvel Spider-Man!
CHRIS EVANS
Well, OUR battle was Way bigger – dead extras all over the shop and we filmed it in a proper field!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
blah blah! Check out my new digitally emaciated bod! Way more convincing than ‘Skinny Steve’!
CHRIS EVANS
that was eight years ago! FX technology moves at an exponential rate! Disney’s got more dosh!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH Less talking, more beheading!
Five years later, PAUL RUDD escapes from the Quantum Realm only to discover a terrible truth: he’s now got to parent a teenager. INT: RDJ HQ
CHRIS EVANS
Listen, the new Spidey film’s coming out in July; we need to bring everyone back pronto!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
nope. not helping. no way. this film’s three hours long so I’ve got at least two more scenes than usual to completely change my mind. Five minutes later…
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Let’s do this! I invented time travel last night; the secret is to plug all the plot holes with crowdpleasing jokes about bill & ted.
MARK RUFFALO
Hulk down with all the timey-wimey Bs too.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Oi, Renner! Put your machete down and get some quantum jim-jams on! this is multiplex Marvel, not netflix Marvel!
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
to the Dark World! And indulgent interludes with dead relatives! INT: PLANET VORMIR Scarlett and Jeremy squabble over who gets to exit Endgame early to start on their solo project.
THE DEAD SKULL
Guys, guys! I may be here for all eternity but I haven’t got all day! Choose! [Scarlett dies] bollocks, I had a tenner on Renner… INT: AVENGERS COMPOUND emerging from more fiery rings than a proctologist sees in a year, the fully resurrected Avengers leave JOSH Brolin in the dust.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Looks like it’s iron curtains for me… EXT: FUNERAL GATHERING, RDJ HQ
WILLIAM HURT
Mourners assemble! Hey, while you’re all here, let’s go over this 600-page amendment to the Sokovia Accords! Photocopies by the buffet… OAP CHRIS EVANS anoints his successor: Captain A-Mackie-ca.
ANTHONY MACKIE
Wow, really feel I’ve earned this with my contributions to the movie: “On your left” and… er… that’s it.
OAP CHRIS EVANS
Seventy years I travelled back… took me till yesterday to finish explaining it all #Don’ttrytoWorkOuttheendgame! FIN NEXT ISSUE – X-MEN: DARK PHOENIX