60-SECOND SCREENPLAY

TF SAVES YOU A NIGHT OUT EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: BAD BOYS FOR LIFE…

Belated threequel Bad Boys For Life is in our sights.

FADE IN: EXT: MIAMI

Seventeen years after Bad Boys II, detective BFFs WILL SMITH and MARTIN LAWRENCE are still nowhere near the end of that film’s interminable car chase.

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Is it too early for a ‘too old for this shit’ joke?

WILL SMITH

Nah, go for it grandpa. Be careful sinking your dentures into those one-liners, mind – some of them are as ancient as we are!

BOTH

[SINGING] ‘Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do? / Gonna wait for my pension in the post office queue!’ INT: MATERNITY WARD The detectives arrive at the hospital as MARTIN’s daughter gives birth to his first grandchild.

DOCTOR

It’s a… n excuse for a comedy montage or three!

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Fine, just hose me in baby sick and get it over with… EXT: OMINOUSLY JOYFUL PARTY From out of nowhere, assassin JACOB SCIPIO violently guns down WILL. Good news is, the hospital set from earlier is still available for him to lie at death’s door.

AUDIENCE

Whoa! This shit just got real! Two scenes later, WILL springs out of a wheelchair like a baby gazelle.

AUDIENCE

Whoa! This shit just got unrealistic!

WILL SMITH

Martin, please come out of slapstick retirement and help me catch my would-be killer. I’m begging you: One. Last. Time (pending opening-weekend box office, obvs).

MARTIN LAWRENCE

Nope. I swore to God that if you survived, I would forever renounce violence for at least 20 minutes.

WILL SMITH

OK, you watch telly and trip over carrycots while I meet our market-tested youth-appeal co-stars! INT: SPECIAL FORCES CONTROL ROOM

PAOLA NUÑEZ

Will, meet your new team; they’re Fast, they’re Furious and they specialise in stealth auditions! I mean missions!

VANESSA HUDGENS

Let’s crack on; Kurt Russell says he needs this room back by 5pm…

WILL SMITH

Ha! I’ll show you whippersnappers how it’s done! WILL chases down an informant but fails to prevent his death. Then does the same thing again.

WILL SMITH

Ha! I’ll show you whippersnappers how you pad out an action movie! CUT TO: FOREBODINGLY JOLLY CONVERSATIONAL INTERLUDE WILL and veteran captain JOE PANTOLIANO reach peak bantz, thus signing JOE’s death warrant. CUT TO: CAPTAIN JOE’S FUNERAL

WILL/MARTIN

[SINGING] ‘Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do? / Gonna grieve 20 seconds then promptly forget Captain… who?’ INT: NIGHTCLUB WILL, MARTIN and the F&F wannabes take their investigation to the next, gratuitous level, in a bangin’ joint full of scantily clad women.

WILL SMITH

It’s what he would’ve wanted. Michael Bay, I mean. In a startling twist, the film expands its scope by copying a different blockbuster.

MARTIN LAWRENCE

WTF – evil Jacob is your secret son?!? Being targeted by an assassin who’s effectively your younger self… I’m so sorry, Will – no one deserves to go through Gemini Man once, let alone twice! EXT: MEXICO CITY BADDIE HQ WILL and co. confront JACOB and his mother-slash-handler-slash-cartel-boss KATE DEL CASTILLO, who’s also a witch on the side.

AUDIENCE

Whoa! This shit just got eldritch! Honouring their new code of non-brutal methods, the cops ensure KATE dies not by their own hands, but in a raging fire. JACOB switches to Team Dad.

WILL SMITH

Nice one, son! We’re going to send you to prison while setting you up as the hero of the next film; not so much doing time as doing a Statham!

AUDIENCE

[SINGING] ‘Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do? / Gonna hope Vin Diesel doesn’t see this and decide to sue...’ FIN

NEXT ISSUE: DOLITTLE