60-SECOND SCREENPLAY
TF SAVES YOU THE COST OF A MOVIE EVERY MONTH. THIS ISSUE: THE OLD GUARD…
The Old Guard gets annihilated (then comes back to life, annoyingly).
FADE IN: INT: SECRET MILITIA BASE, SOUTH SUDAN
CHARLIZE THERON and her other immortal pals lie face-down, showered in blood and bullets, as if they are playing a game of Dead Lions organised by John Woo.
CHARLIZE THERON
[Voiceover] Sorry for any confusion, dear Netflix viewer. No, this isn’t the end of the movie; you don’t have to leap to frantically grab the controller or remote to halt the countdown before the credits are cruelly thumb-nailed and the trailer bombardment begins. Although I will say, this is one of the lighter scenes. Buckle up, kids!
CUT TO: MOROCCO, DAYS EARLIER
CHARLIZE stares pensively at LUCA MARINELLI who silently observes MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS who moodily eyeballs MARWAN KENZARI who stares pensively at CHARLIZE.
LUCA MARINELLI
Well, that’s all the character intros out the way, let’s go shoot something!
CHARLIZE THERON
Remember, guys, to maintain the secrecy we’ve meticulously and carefully kept for centuries. We live our entire lives in the shadows. Anyway, it’s time for our meeting with complete stranger CHIWETEL EJIOFOR at Morocco’s busiest outdoor café!
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
So here’s the set-up, I mean your suicide mission, I mean a new perfectly normal assignment. Look, I spent ages putting together this whole fake ‘kidnapped kids’ presentation, but basically all you’ve got to do is stand in front of a firing squad for perfectly normal reasons!
We return to the opening scene, as CHARLIZE and co. are mown down, before quickly getting up for some mowing of their own.
DYING AMBUSHER
Argh! No! Oh, I see – they’re not actually zombies. ‘Killed by an immortal’ has a much classier ring – cheers guys! INT: BIG BAD PHARMA HQ, LONDON
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Hey, EVIL HARRY MELLING, check out this video of the ambush-slash-counter-ambush! There was no room left on my clippings wall so I thought I’d make a film this time.
EVIL HARRY MELLING
Excellent! This is the biggest breakthrough since the lab grew me a room full of moustaches to twiddle! Let’s harvest the immortals’ DNA!
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Yes, let’s make the world a better place by filling with it with trigger-happy clones who’ve given up on humanity… INT: AFGHANISTAN MILITARY CAMP Soldier KIKI LAYNE becomes the latest person to make a swift recovery from a bout of murder.
KIKI LAYNE
Honestly, this movie has more comebacks than a Halloween binge watch…
CHARLIZE THERON
Come join our gang! Your welcome pack includes a complementary abduction and swift gunshot to the head. CHARLIZE takes KIKI to meet the rest of the group, who test her newfound immortality by telling her backstory until the sun burns out. Our expansive journey to the past – signified by footage of CHARLIZE in an old hat – is interrupted by HARRY’s men, who drag LUCA and MARWEN to the site of what will be the movie’s ultimate showdown: a disused Holby City set.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
I’ve been staring at these pictures of CHARLIZE’s group throughout history and have realised something profound: 18th Century Photoshop was absolutely rubbish.
MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS
Let’s do a swap – I’ll betray the group while you join their cause. Just grab yourself some portentous dialogue and a perma-frown and you’ll fit right in!
Meanwhile, KIKI shows she has a firm handle on the whole hush-hush thing by promptly rugby-tackling EVIL HARRY out of a window and onto a car in front of hundreds of camera-phonetoting Londoners.
MATTHIAS SCHOENAERTS
Exile? Fair enough. Well, then it’s goodbye from me for an entire century! Or until the very next scene, anyway.
CHARLIZE THERON
[Sighs] Another mission over… all this time we’ve struggled, with no seeming end in sight… but enough about this film, let’s crack on with the sequel!
FIN