19 THE WICKER MAN 2006

The bee’s knees this ain’t, as Neil LaBute ditches the Christianity vs Paganism crux of Robin Hardy’s soul-shattering 1973 original and instead pitches a wide-eyed Nic Cage on some sort of Fathers For Justice kamikaze mission as he barrels into a matriarchal society of organic honey ranchers.

Cage’s highway patrolman Malus (so named because it’s half ‘male’, half ‘phallus’ – we’re serious) is summoned to Summersisle, off the coast of Washington State, by his former fiancée (Kate Beahan) to search for her missing daughter. He soon comes to suspect she’s been squirrelled away, ready to be sacrificed by Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn, in the Christopher Lee role), and his frantic investigation leads him to punch out a woman while wearing a bear costume before having his head fed to some honeybees (“No, no, NOT THE BEES!”). Finally he’s burnt alive to restore the island’s honey production.

Cage claims that he and LaBute set out to make an absurdist black comedy, while the writerdirector, on his DVD commentary, references William Blake, Terrence Malick and Edgar Allan Poe. Nah. This ludicrous remake is a stone-cold dud, fully deserving of its F grade on CinemaScore.

REDEEMING FACTOR Cage dressed as a bear.