YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?
FILM QUOTES POSE AS QUESTIONS. FILM STARS TRY TO COPE. IN THE CROSSHAIRS THIS MONTH… H. JON BENJAMIN
You talkin’ to me?
I hope so, although it’s very possible you’re not who you say you are. As far as I know, you’re not to be trusted.
You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk?
I definitely talk the talk, but most of the stuff is written for me. I talk for a living. If I walked for a living I would be far less successful.
Oh, I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?
No, we were doing really well! I thought I was honed in on what we were doing. Oftentimes, I have concentration problems. But right now, I’m pretty locked in.
We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you?
During the pandemic, I watched the Hitchcock collection on Criterion. That made everything a little worse. There’s nothing like watching a collection of psychological thrillers during a pandemic.
Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
I assume that’s a metaphor for doing something bad. And, yes, I have done a couple of bad things. You know, 10 or 12 really bad things. [Laughs] Under duress I threw a sandwich, when I was very young, at a woman waiting for the bus, while I was riding in a car. I felt really bad about it. But my friends in the car – I must have been 15 or something – were really pressuring me to throw the sandwich at her. And I did. And I hit that woman in the shoulder. I haven’t thrown a sandwich since. I’ve been asked, but I hold back.
Do you have an ‘off’ switch?
Yes. It’s almost always off now. That’s a good question because I’ve spent the last 35 years doing comedy, and once you start doing comedy you’re expected to be ‘on’, a lot of the time, even with people who you’re close with. So, early on, I was on a lot. It feels like I’m getting over that now, and I’m deep into middle age, where I’m learning to relax a little bit. But there’s a bit of PTSD involved in having been on for 35 years. I’ve got to deprogram.
“Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?
I know it’s hackneyed, but I do think there is a lot of luck involved in finding a sustained career [in show business]. I’m lucky to be involved in two animated shows that have gone on for 12 years now, and that’s pretty unusual. So in that sense, I do feel lucky. I’m lucky to have a nice family. What else am I lucky about? I’m not too ill.
Are you going to bark all day, little doggy, or are you going to bite?
I’m afraid of dogs. I’m afraid of barks. I inherited that fear from my mother, who has a terrible dog phobia. I think it’s difficult for her to even see a dog. That’s why I keep sending her little dog videos. [Laughs] I’ve got to keep her on her toes, she’s a ballet dancer.
How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?
Let’s say if there’s going to be a fight between me and somebody else – I’ve been in this scenario many times, and I’ve been lucky enough to only get beaten up a handful of times – I’m not afraid to bark. But if you come at me? It’s all yours. In New York, I was walking with my girlfriend, and a car almost hit us as it turned. I had a split-second of anger, and I slammed my hand onto the side of his car. And then he stopped and got out. And it was a big guy. So then I was like, “Oh, this is morphing into a different situation. I’m so sorry, sir.”
What’s your favourite scary movie?
I would say Scary Movie 2. [Teasers: that’s a quote from Scream] Oh. Well, then, Scream 3. But that question would be: what’s your favourite Scream?
If I say to you, ‘Don’t think about elephants,’ what do you think about?
Uh… Elephant trainers.
Why so serious?
I feel like I’ve been a fairly good mix of serious and unserious.
I have to go to my mother-inlaw’s birthday party, and I’m not looking forward to it. I know what’s coming. There’s a pall over the world. And I don’t want to push the logical fallacy, but this party represents my entire problems right now. I’m going to push that onto this party.
Kids are horrible – why do we keep making them?
It’s all so horrible. That’s why. Honestly, I didn’t necessarily want to have a kid, and having a kid did change my life, in very good ways. But, yeah, I’ll stick with my first thought, which is that: most adults are a problem, but they came from kids.
THE BOB’S BURGERS MOVIE OPENS IN CINEMAS ON 27 MAY.