At 46, thongs are for my feet

IT would have been good politics.

But perhaps we really do need to pressure our state and council reps.

I talk of this week’s Federal Budget and the lack of any mention of Townsville’s water supply.

The Commonwealth is a party to the much- heralded City Deal – the first in Australia.

This agreement commits, in part, to “establish a water taskforce to improve Townsville’s water security, supply and water usage”.

But in a budget trumpeting a 10year $ 75 billion infrastructure program, there was nothing. Labor MPs went on the attack. The city’s LNP senator, Ian Macdonald, fired back, accusing them of “whingeing” when they have done little or nothing themselves.

“If the ( Labor) Queensland Government or the Labor city council were to make a sensible proposal, then it could have been addressed in the budget, or it could be under review right now by one of the Commonwealth’s funding facilities,” Senator Macdonald said.

“Perhaps they would be better off urging their mates in the State Government and the council to come forward with a business case for a sustainable proposal for water in Townsville.

“Then the Commonwealth might be able to fund it.” He has a point doesn’t he? It’s scandalous a city of 200,000 is preparing to turn on pumps to access an irrigation channel for its drinking water and that a taskforce only now is scrabbling to provide viable proposals.

It is revealing, too, that as of late last year the State Government was working on studies for a new dam west of Cairns, the Nullinga, and the Lower Fitzroy River project.

This latter project includes the Rookwood Weir which has already gained a $ 130 million commitment from the Federal Coalition.

It’s interesting, too, that Townsville Enterprise’s Federal Budget submission calls for funding for construction of a “new pipeline from the Burdekin to Townsville”.

Looks like a pipeline is the answer, doesn’t it? THIS week I heard that the model and Kardashian Klan member Kendall Jenner only wears thongs on holidays.

Thongs! I thought, bless, she’s just like me. I hate wearing proper shoes unless I have to at the beach.

Clicking on the link, I soon realised she was talking about bathers, not shoes. Clearly, she’s nothing like me. There’s zero chance of me getting 2.9 million likes on Instagram for a photo of me straddling a jetski wearing khaki bum floss. Or turning up on a New York red carpet in a see- through dress with more bum floss. But it got me thinking … You know you’re old when someone mentions thongs and you automatically think of footwear.

You know you’re old when people say you look tired and you realise that’s just what your face looks like these days. In fact, you wake up looking like the photo on your driver’s licence and you haven’t even been out the night before.

Studies show the average person thinks you stop being young at 35 and start being old at 58. So at 46 I guess that makes me officially middle- aged. I know my kids feel sorry for me because of my age; I can see the pity in their eyes when I take my clothes off. Still, at least no one has stood up for me on the train ( yet).

You are old if remember when Caitlin Jenner was a man, Elton John was straight and Malcolm Turnbull supported same- sex marriage and the republic.

You’re old if you’ve increased the font size on your phone, think Sharpies are punks, not textas and don’t know any of the songs on the Countdown Top 10. You’re definitely old because there is no longer a Countdown Top 10.

You’re old if you see the new interns at your office and wonder how they could be old enough to have a job.

They, in turn, are wondering how you’re allowed to be to still working here.

So what are the other signs that you’re old?

You know you’re old when you wonder why you aren’t getting many likes on your MySpace account, you yell “Taxi!!!” not “Uber!!” when someone spills a drink and you worry about whether other people’s kids are wearing sunblock at the beach.

You are definitely old when your children know more than you about the following things: updating your smart phone, programming the dishwasher and illegally streaming free movies from the internet.

Oldies like me think kids should do homework using dictionaries, books, calculators and old- fashioned brain power.

Your children annoy you because they have just one homework tool: Apple’s voice- activated personal assistant Siri. “Siri, what’s the square root of 186?”, you hear them ask. “Siri, what’s the German word for cheating?”

You also know you’re old if you have never heard of any of these people: Stephanie Smith, Elon Musk, Kendrick Lamar, Flo Rida and Jason Derulo.

You know you’re old if you’re not sure what any of these jobs are: social media influencer, brand warrior, chief visionary officer and technology evangelist.

You’re also old if you and remember what it was like driving around with the street directory on your lap, moving the book around as you changed direction.

Hell, if you are as old as me you probably learnt to drive in a manual car and your first set of wheels was either a Torana, a Laser or a Celica. That also means you make circle motions with your hands to get the kids to wind down the window and get frustrated because they don’t know what you mean.

You know you’re old when you get drunk on one glass of wine – and then stop there. In fact, you hardly ever get drunk because you’re now the kind of person who thinks about the day ahead the night before. Anyway, it takes a lot to get you out of your snuggie after 9pm, yessiree.

You also remember when smoking cigarettes was the height of cool. Back then, teachers could smoke in class, you could smoke on planes and parents could send their kids to the shops to buy a pack of Marlboro 25s which would cost $ 1. What else? You know you’re old when you’re on Facebook and Pinterest but not Instagram or Snapchat.

You’re also old if you know terms like cringey aren’t real words but use them anyway to appear young, which makes it very cringey indeed.

Don’t forget: if you can’t be young, at least be young at heart – and wear any kind of thongs you like.