Hit by PTSD ‘behind the wire’
A TOWNSVILLE veteran says he had trouble accepting his post- traumatic stress disorder diagnosis because he was “behind the wire, not on the front line of war”.
Wayne Ganderton, who served in the Australian Army for 17 years including a tour to East Timor, said he had massive issues with the “justification of my PTSD diagnosis”.
“It wasn’t a war- related injury. I wasn’t blown up. I wasn’t shot at. I wasn’t in Iraq or Afghanistan,” the father- of- two said. “The justification was around, ‘ how can you get PTSD in Timor’. I was a storeman so it was like ‘ how can you get it as a storeman’. I really struggled with that.”
But with the support of a close friend, and the help of his psychologist, Mr Ganderton finally accepted his diagnosis.
“I now understand that PTSD affects people in different ways,” he said. “Until that point, which was about six months after I had been diagnosed, I didn’t have justification.
“I felt like how can that ( PTSD) happen to someone who was behind the wire not out on the front line of war.”
Mr Ganderton, 43, is sharing his story as part of the Townsville Bulletin’s campaign to shine a light on gaps in policy and current care models within the Australian Defence Force.
The campaign aims to help improve the lives of current and ex-serving personnel and their families and stem the tide of poor mental health outcomes and suicide. He is sharing his story to highlight the need for ongoing support for defence personnel and ex- defence personnel who suffer from PTSD.
Mr Ganderton, who was medically discharged from the army this year with PTSD and major depression, said after he accepted his PTSD diagnosis, his life had turned for the better.
“I still have my bad days of course, but at least I know those bad days don’t become bad weeks,” he said. “Seeking help for PTSD and depression was the single hardest thing for me to do but it was the best thing I ever did. I was in denial for over seven years.”
Mr Ganderton said when he returned from deployment to East Timor in 2008 he had “changed”.
“I had a bad trip in East Timor and when I came back my wife would say I was a different person from the man that I was before my deployment,” he said. “Before East Timor I was happy, I was social, I was always out doing stuff. After Timor I shut down. The ‘ black dog’ followed me around all the time.
“There were a couple of incidents ( in Timor) that I don’t want to talk about here, but I just couldn’t let them go. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t stop the memories, the flashbacks.”
Mr Ganderton, who has spent time in hospital due to his PTSD, said his easygoing personality changed for the worse since East Timor.
“I was a horrible, horrible, person at home ( after Timor),” he said. “I could keep it together for the eight hours I was at work but I couldn’t keep it together when I got home. My wife used to drive in and she’d wait to see the look on my face to see what mood I was in. The poor kids had to walk on eggshells around me.”
He said his PTSD meant he lived a largely reclusive life.
“I now stay at home a lot, I only go out once a week to do the family grocery shop,” he said. “I haven’t been into a major shopping centre in nearly four years. Before I had PTSD, I used to go to the football. We had to give that up. I had a panic attack at the football which was terrible. We loved going to the football. I can’t even go to barbecues any more. Everything I loved to do, like camping and going out seeing people is no longer possible.”
Mr Ganderton said although he acknowledged seeking help for depression or suspected PTSD was hard to do for many, he encouraged people to do so.
“I spent many years thinking I don’t have a problem,” he said. “It was everybody else, not me. Even though my family told me I had a problem I didn’t want to see it. My perception of mental health problems was that I didn’t want to have it so I kept on going undiagnosed to the detriment of my family. So although I know it’s hard to do, I would encourage anyone that even suspects they have a problem to seek out help which for me was the Mater Trauma Recovery Centre.”
Mr Ganderton credits his wife and children for being his “rock”.
“They are everything to me,” he said. “It is hard to accept how my PTSD has affected them. It is heartbreaking for me to know what I’ve done to them. My rage, my verbal abuse, when I shut down: it was never meant to be this way.”
THERE WERE A COUPLE OF INCIDENTS ( IN TIMOR) THAT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HERE, BUT I JUST COULDN’T LET THEM GO. WAYNE GANDERTON