Fat chance for resolution

THE new year is the time to make good choices, such as not making any resolutions you can’t keep.

This is why I decided to bypass the whole resolution fiasco this year by unveiling plans for the new me on December 26.

Not wanting to prompt the closure of the beach by appearing in a bikini in January, I decided to do Twelve Days of Fitness in the lead up to my holiday. That involved 30 minutes of active exercise a day for 12 days, no drinking and no fast food.

Day one started well enough and I did a bike ride that even involved a few hills – some of which I even rode up. I felt so good I celebrated with a few Tim Tams pilfered from my kids’ Christmas stash.

Day two was good too. This fitness thing’s a cinch, I told myself.

Day three I hit a snag. New Year’s Eve. I gave myself the night off. I don’t think running up a bar tab counts as exercise.

As a result of the new year festivities, I gave myself the next day off on account of my hangover.

And then I had to have the next one off too to get rid of the hangover from my hangover.

Three more days of half- hearted 10- minute jogs followed. “Surely 30 minutes must be up by now?” I asked myself every 15 seconds. It’s amazing how little exercise you can do in half an hour if you put your mind to it.

Once I’d found the song I wanted on Spotify, adjusted my phone settings, taken off my jumper, put my jumper back on and had a drink from my water bottle, it was nearly time to head back home again.

My great fitness revolution ended only eight days after it started with a whimper and a family- sized bucket of KFC.

The kids needed the hats to watch the cricket. Selfless, that’s me.

I, for one, am sick and tired of all the preachy new year’s resolutions to go vegan, “step on the carbon scales” ( whatever that means) and cut down on single- use plastic bags.

As far as I am concerned, the most important thing about new year’s resolutions is believing in yourself.

Convince yourself you can become a better/ thinner/ nicer/ more sober person. Tell everyone you know about how great the new you is going to be, then you can get back to the old you as soon as you can.

Perhaps it’s time we started making resolutions that matter for a change. Here’s some things I’ll be working on this year.

Sleep more, care less and stop shopping while drunk.

No, I do not need a giant inflatable flamingo given that I do not have a pool. Nor do I need a self- stirring Star Wars mug or a Buddha pug bobbling dashboard figure.

Get more organised – or at least spend more time fantasising in the stationery aisle at Officeworks about how gold- plated bulldog clips will change my life forever.

Do less laundry and use more deodorant.

Don’t stress because my daughter asks me who Paul McCartney is.

Stop wondering what Trump meant when he tweeted “covfefe”.

Stop pretending I know enough maths to help my grade sixer with her homework.

Find more exercises I can do while lying down.

Is sitting down the same as doing a wall sit? Can I do a plank by lying down flat on the floor?

Stop setting unrealistic expectations for my children, such as rising before noon, cleaning their rooms and taking showers because they’re dirty and not just because I nag them into it.

Lower my standards and celebrate mediocrity.

Stop using the word “password” for all of my passwords.

Learn how to text using my thumbs instead of index finger.

Use more cool abbreviations in texts to drive my kids crazy such as CU L8R and BRB.

Stop making threats to my kids such as “if you do that one more time” and then never actually following through.

Stop waiting for my kids to think I am cool.

“You look pretty good for your age,” says my youngest son. I didn’t ask him what age he thinks I am.

And I will stop secretly downloading Schapelle Corby’s single Palm Trees as the ringtone on my friends’ phones.

Welcome 2018, hope it’s a good one for all of you.