On slow train to Dullsville
SEVEN hours of The Logies never looked so good. The surprise hit of this TV season has been a three- hour film of a train journey across Australia in real time called The Ghan: Australia’s Greatest Train.
There is no editing. No storyline. No drama. No fame- hungry reality TV contestants. Just lots of red desert, blue sky and train tracks. Lots. But then that’s the essence of the phenomenon that is Slow TV.
It is long, tedious and slow and an astonishing 400,000 people tuned in to watch it on SBS last weekend.
Presumably, editors cut out all the good bits like Reg the train driver talking about his ingrown toenails and Des the engine mechanic ruminating on his top- 10 most effective wart cures.
They should rename it The Ghan: Making the Test Pattern Look Entertaining. Or The Ghan: Makes You Long For a Bunnings Commercial. And if you missed the three- hour version don’t fret: SBS Viceland is running a 17- hour version from early on Sunday morning. No really, they are. A TV show that goes for the best part of a day with no dialogue, no anything, really.
Producers say it’s mesmerising, relaxing and meditative. I say it’s mind- numbing, tedious and boring.
It sounds dull, because it is. But obviously Slow TV is meant to be. In a world where everything has to be fast, challenging, innovating and exciting, The Ghan reminds us of the enjoyment of watching paint dry.
As someone who spent their childhood holidays driving around the Nullarbor in a Kingswood with no shock absorbers, sizzling vinyl seats and broken air conditioning, I can’t see the appeal of The Ghan.
Back then all the entertainment I had was watching crows pecking at roadkill and fights with my sister when she dared to put a finger on my side of the bench seat. War of the Roses was nothing compared with the O’Brien girls on a road trip.
However, I shouldn’t be surprised at The Ghan’s success. Slow TV has been a sleeper hit for years – literally. It began in Norway, when a bright spark had the idea of broadcasting a train journey across the country.
They thought a few thousand railway enthusiasts would tune in, but to their astonishment, it attracted more than a million viewers.
The genre reached new heights in 2013 when a 12- hour train journey was broadcast in real time, attracting 20 per cent of the Norwegian population.
Since then Slow TV has included knitting nights, canal boat journeys and people removing fluff from their bellybuttons. I’m kidding about the last one, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Wait for the hit TV series Lint: How Did It Get in There?
But then again, perhaps the success of The Ghan isn’t that surprising when you consider what it’s up against.
The line- up of 2018 TV shows is hardly better: it’s a tedious mix of rehashes, re- runs and has- beens.
There’s Gogglebox – a show where people watch other people watching TV.
There’s Marry Me, Marry My Family, a documentary on interfaith marriages. Enjoy the good times as Armenian Christian bride Nancy marries Indian Hindu groom Ashu in a Christian wedding in the Armenian Church against the wishes of her family!
And there’s Bite Club, which is not a cooking show, but a program about two detectives who hunt down a serial killer who is also hunting them.
Perhaps the writers missed Silence of the Lambs and every other crime show since.
I am continually amazed by the willingness of TV networks to take the most excruciating and unmemorable aspects of daily life and turn them into reality TV shows.
That includes Driving Test, which will bring back your worst teenage memories of bunny hopping in a Kmart car park as your Dad said through gritted teeth: “Let’s try it one last time.”
Eat Well for Less is also on the menu this year. It’s billed as an “inspiring new two- part series that offers entertaining and practical ways to eat better and save money while you do it”.
As far as I am concerned, taking toddlers to the supermarket, pushing them around in a trolley and letting complete strangers pick apart the food you buy them is only marginally more fun than the North Korean arms race.
Throw in an outback vet performing gruesome operations, fat pets who need to go on diets and a Muslim version of Big Brother ( presumably there are no dancing doonas or hot tub scenes) and you have the prospect of hours and hours of uninspiring viewing.
Don’t even get me started on The Rich House, Australian Spartan, First Wives Club, Dance Boss and Back with the Ex.
Suddenly, three hours of spinifex blowing across train tracks looks very compelling indeed.