‘Does my bum look big in this’

FORGET the SAS, snipers and sous chefs, the ADF’S most skilled people operate far from the battlefield.

In fact, as far away from combat as it’s possible to be.

This doesn’t underestimate their importance, for they are usually among the first people new recruits meet as they begin their arduous journey of discovery.

They do not undergo strenuous selection procedures but their highly secretive training is conducted well away from prying eyes.

They don’t wear specialist skill badges nor distinctive headdress, though they probably know more about both than any other person.

Theirs is the art of ambush and psychological warfare, which everyone who dons a uniform and pulls on a combat boot must experience.

They are the storemen and women who operate ADF clothing stores. They are to haute couture what St Vinnies is to the catwalks of Paris and Milan, though specialising in functional day wear as opposed to designer frocks and shoes.

Of all their skills, their speciality is the initial issue of uniforms and equipment to recruits. This procedure involves throwing piles of uniforms and accessories across a counter at recruits. They then collect their allotted pile before retreating a few yards while a senior storeman calls out a complete list of issues so each recruit can check their unfamiliar pile is “all present and correct, sir”.

Occasional discrepancies are then adjusted before the hapless recruits are directed to ensure they have the right sizes.

Although the collective sizes ultimately match, individual fittings are a lottery.

“Swap with someone smaller/bigger till you find what you need,” they are told.

In a recruit’s rite of passage it is an important moment when they can introduce themselves to others while conducting socialisation of sorts, the two-metre recruit discovering the 1.75metre recruit has just what he needs and vice versa.

However, a recent study of combat trousers’ waist sizes by now Townsville-based Dr Jason Selman showed more than one-quarter of ADF recruits were overweight.

Townsville GP Dr Michael Clements said overweight soldiers were probably healthier than the general population. Not to say better connected.

Where else could you break the ice with someone of any sex by pulling on a new pair of trousers and asking a person you have never previously met, “Does my bum look big in this?”