MY ICE BATTLE

ADDICT TELLS OF TORMENT AND SHAME

PASSING her in the street you would have no idea that single mum Ashley* has battled with an addiction to ice since she was 19. Now in her 30s, she says if it wasn’t for the support network around her she is sure she would be dead.

Like an alcoholic struggling to stay sober, Ashley says the shame of her addiction lives with her every day and battling that is nearly as difficult as the addiction itself.

Ashley’s relationship with methamphetamine began after she was sexually assaulted by a friend of a sibling on her 19th birthday in Western Australia.

“The ice scene over there at the time was huge and that’s where it all started,” she says.

Ice became an easy way to forget the trauma, to dull the anxiety and escape from the reality of the situation.

She spent six months in Western Australia surrounded by people who were happy to feed her growing addiction. It wasn’t a problem at first, but it didn’t make the situation any better, it just led to more drug use.

Findings from the 2019

Illicit

Drug Reporting System (IDRS) showed that the majority of people who inject drugs and use methamphetamine or cocaine report that it is ‘easy’ or ‘very easy’ to obtain.

The Alcohol and Drug Foundation says 6.3 per cent of Australians aged 14 years and over have used meth/amphetamines one or more times in their life.

Methamphetamines are a stimulant that give the user euphoria, increase confidence, reduce appetite, can lead to sexual arousal, mood swings, anxiety and dehydration.

The effects can last for up to 12 hours, though users can experience different effects.

By the time Ashley was at the peak of her habit and had returned to living in North Queensland she was using two points, .2g of methamphetamine, a day.

She found a way to support her $150 a point habit without dealing, without stealing.

Ashley says contrary to popular belief there is no such thing as a stereotypical drug addict.

“I don’t steal, I don’t hurt anybody. I’m a drug addict. I’m not out to hurt anybody, especially my child,” she says.

“But people don’t see that. They just think I’m going to steal and break into people’s houses and put my child’s life in danger. I’m not one of those people.

“I’m a high functioning addict. “I’m not a bad person. Ice just numbs my pain.

“In the short term it makes everything seem better, but it doesn’t, it makes everything a s--ton worse.”

Ashley says being an addict has meant she has had brushes with the law that she’s not proud of.

She says reports in the media often spark judgment in the community from people she doesn’t know, has never met, has never even heard of.

Ashley says community judgment is rarely a deterrent to using again, drug addiction is “a constant mind game”.

“I’ve tried every drug you can try, pretty much, except for heroin because no way. I don’t even drink. I don’t get intoxicated,” she says.

“It’s cigarettes and ice. Ice controlling. It’s horrible.

“The shame thing is the biggest feeder of addiction, and I learnt that in rehab – I learn a lot in rehab, there’s a lot of it to practice. is

“I’ve got my family, they’re pretty strong and supportive around me, but I worry more for others. I worry about friends who don’t have that.

“Most drug addicts (when they read and hear about others before the courts) think ‘that’s not going to happen to me, I’m not that stupid, I’m not going to get caught’.

“The last time I was caught drug driving I hadn’t had any drug of any description for five days.

“Five days, I was doing really well, I thought ‘look at me go’.

“I was driving with my child, we were cruising and we were singing and then … ”

Ashley says the shame, the mind games, the constant need to suppress the addiction is exhausting. She takes some comfort in the fact the drugs she used when she was pregnant have not affected her child, but her self loathing for what she did back then is at times crippling.

She counts herself as very lucky, but it still terrifies her, such is the grip methamphetamine has on her. “It’s still that shame,” she says.

“Ice is horrible. It’s something I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemies.

“I haven’t touched it for weeks, but every second of every day it’s just ‘feed me, feed me’.”

Ashley says that if she could have one wish it would be for the supplies of the drug to dry up.

She says stopping the suppliers and traffickers would go a long way to life being better.

“Stop the supply. Go and get the people who are feeding us all,” she says.

“I just worry about my little person. If it’s easy for me now in 2020, what’s it going to be like when my child’s 13, 15?”

Ashley says she’s not after sympathy, she’s got her family and she is confident they have her back.

But she knows people who are unaffected by the drug scene need to know that they’re probably surrounded by it and just unaware of what’s going on. So many addicts hide their addictions well.

She says she hopes one day to be healthy enough and clear of her addiction that she can be in a position to help others overcome theirs – but that’s going to take time and a daily commitment to a future without ice.