Beware the bully
BULLYING IS A WEEKLY ISSUE IN MORE THAN A THIRD OF AUSTRALIAN SCHOOLS. HERE’S HOW TO DEAL WITH IT
Anew school year often brings new classmates, and while some children gain friends, others gain bullies. As a parent in this scenario, it can be tempting to protect your child at all costs but experts say it’s important to know when to take direct action and when to support from the sidelines.
More than a third (37 per cent) of Australian principals say intimidation and bullying among students is at least a weekly occurrence at their school, according to the latest OECD Teaching and Learning International Survey in 2018.
Others report weekly instances of physical injury caused by violence (7 per cent), unwanted electronic contact among students (16 per cent), and students posting hurtful information about peers on the internet (11 per cent).
IDENTIFY THE ISSUE
Griffith University School of Applied Psychology’s Dr Jaimee Stuart says parents may not realise their child is being bullied as some keep this to themselves or do not recognise they are victims.
“Often the most harmful bullying behaviours are the ones that are insidious or hard to detect such as leaving someone out deliberately, spreading rumours or being sarcastic and undermining,” Stuart says.
“Bullying may also so come from someone thought ght of as a friend, or it may y be masked as ‘making fun’ and the victim treated as though they can’t take a joke.”
Stuart recommends looking out for changes in your child’s behaviour – from being quick to anger to no longer talking alking about thoughts and feelings – then investigating what is going on. on
TALK TO YOUR CHILD
If you find out your child is being bullied, Stuart advises not letting your own emotions take centre stage as this can add to the child’s distress.
“Work through whatever anger, sadness, anxiety and other very normal feelings a parent may have, but do this in safe ways with other supportive adults or mental health professionals,” she says.
Stuart also warns against telling children that bullying is a normal part of growing up.
“Even though it is common, that does not make it OK, and all forms of bullying can be harmful, not just the physical and verbal, but also the relational, relational,” she s says.
Kimberl Kimberley Harper, Parentli Parentline manager at yourto yourtown, which also runs Kids Helpline, reco recommends sta starting the con conversation in a qu quiet, comfortable spa space, such as on a driv drive, on a walk, or whil while your child is doing another activity such as d drawing.
She advi advises asking open-ended que questions to let them tell the full story story.
“Validate their emotions and ask them how they would like you to help,” she says.
If they are unsure, provide two or three options they could try.
“If there are any concerns about the child’s immediate safety, parents should intervene,” Harper says. “However, if the concern is not immediate, support them to use their own decision-making and problemsolving skills to resolve the situation.”
TALK TO THE BULLY
Most bullies are not bad children, Stuart says. They may be misguided, dealing with other issues, or unaware what they are doing is wrong.
“(The) solution does not have to involve punishment or humiliation of the bully or the bully’s parents, and in most instances helping the bully to be empathetic and understand the consequences of their actions is much more likely to result in change,” she says.
WHAT IF YOUR CHILD IS THE BULLY?
Although it can be hard to find out your child is potentially harming others, Harper says it’s important to get the whole story before judging.
“Tell the child what you’ve heard and invite them to share their version of events. Validate their emotions and help them to understand how their actions might have felt for the other child,” she says.
She recommends asking them to come up with ways to resolve the situation.
TALK TO THE SCHOOL
Before scheduling time with teachers, Stuart recommends reading the
school’s bullying policy. Even if the incident didn’t happen on school grounds – for example, cyberbullying – if it involved children at the school, this is normally still covered.
“Be sure that you have accounts of the bullying that you can provide either in writing or verbally in a meeting, and be clear the actions you would like to take,” Stuart says.
WHEN TO GET THE LAW INVOLVED
Youth Law Australia senior solicitor Meredith Hagger says parents should consider reporting bullying to police after they have tried other options – such as blocking bullies on social media or talking to the school – or if there is a safety concern.
She says free and confidential legal advice is available from Community Legal Centres, Legal Aid Commissions and Youth Law Australia. Children facing cyberbullying or image-based abuse can also contact the esafety Commissioner.
Hagger warns parents against taking matters into their own hands as they may be “too emotionally involved”.
“We have seen cases of parents defaming other parents on social media, being warned off school property and getting physical with other parents,” she says.
Hagger recommends parents involve their child when deciding on a course of action.
“After all, their child is going to have to live with the impact and consequences,” she says.