FRANCES WHITING
“Don’t go to bed angry, go to bed resentfully instead”
Should my husband and I ever split up it will be because of one of three reasons. These are – in no particular order – as follows: One: His ability to sleep. Every night, my husband says to me “Goodnight, darling, I think I’ll go to sleep now”. And then, HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO DO IT. Sometimes, he does it on an aeroplane. I know. Unforgivable.
Two: His ability to control his body temperature. This is because he is not a middle-aged, menopausal woman. Menopausal, of course, from the Latin “Meno”: “Why am I ” and “Pausal”: “surrounded by fools?”
Three: His refusal to ask for directions. Once, we ended up in the wrong state.
Other than that, I’d say we have a pretty happy marriage, one that has now survived 22 years, two children, career changes, house moves, home renovations, some of life’s more gut wrenching moments, and his short stint of wearing porkpie hats. We recently had our 22nd wedding anniversary and a friend’s daughter, Georgie, who is getting married soon, asked me if I had any tips for a long and mostly happy union. Here they are.
Buy a kingsize bed: If you can afford one, invest in this giant bed early because if you do go on to have a family of either children or pets or both, just know that one day they will all be sleeping in the bed with you. Some of them will be in diagonal positions, and at least one of them will have their foot in your ear.
Don’t go to bed angry: Go to bed resentfully instead. Quietly simmer away beside your partner all night long, and occasionally let out a long, audible sigh. Also, move as far away from them as possible in the bed without falling off. This way, they will know you have not forgiven them, but in the morning you will both be too tired to care.
Always exaggerate time: This one is more for the menfolk, because many men – for reasons known only to them – are incapable of giving a realistic answer to the question “When will you be home?” Always answer “In about 15 more hours”. Say this even if you think you will only be ten minutes. We don’t care what time you get home. We don’t. We just want to know whether or not to leave the outside light on.
Have date nights: It doesn’t have to be a big production, it just has to get you out of the house. We once had a date night eating takeaway in the car in our own driveway, because we had booked a babysitter and were too tired to go anywhere, and too embarrassed to go back inside our house half an hour after she got there.
Put on a united front: In front of friends. Neighbours. Children. Family members. It doesn’t matter if you disagree privately, it is vitally important to have each other’s backs. My husband, for example, is frequently wrong about many, many things, but I considerately wait until we get home so I can tell him this in private.
That’s about it, but you might have noticed I said we had a “mostly happy” union, and we do. Because, Georgie, my real tip is that any long union, by its very nature, is going to have its bumps in the road, even its head on collisions.
But when you’re on that long road trip – whether it be a marriage, a partnership, a friendship, or a companionship – there is something rather comforting in looking across to the driver’s or passenger’s seat, and seeing someone is taking it with you.