PARENTAL EXHAUSTION

Forget work burnout, the bigger issue facing families today is parental burnout, a new book argues. Author and father-of-six Justin Coulson says striving constantly to be the best possible parent is only setting us up to fail

Studies indicate that since the 1990s, the pressure parents place on themselves has ratcheted right up. Parenting practice has become increasingly absorbing and exacting as parents attempt to “get it right”’. You might say we have fetishised parenting. Middle-class parents today are likely to optimise their children’s environment so they can “fulfil their potential”. We now put considerable effort into raising children to be “successful” … far greater than parents of two millennia, two centuries, or even two decades ago.

This places high and ever-intensifying demands on parents as well as children. We spend more money on our children than ever before. We spend more time with our children than ever before. We expect more of our children than ever before. And in many cases, we judge ourselves and our worth based on the outcomes of our children more than ever before. Parenting has not only become more resource intensive (primarily time and money), but it has also become a part of our identities. Social media has fed into this. Notably, the emergence of the mummy-blog universe – which has migrated from blogs to Facebook, and on to Instagram and Tiktok in recent years – has led to parenting style labels being affixed when trend-conscious (or just trend-responsive) parents strive to show the world how connected they are to their kids. Common labels are attachment parents, helicopter parents, gentle parents, free-range parents, slow parents and nature parents, but there are so many others.

The good news is that as scientific research has improved, so too has our parenting. It’s now an established fact that our children do better when they have warm and involved parents who help provide structure that keeps them safe. The data show that in the West, most parents are looking after their little ones well; in some ways, perhaps better than ever. The majority of children are strong, healthy and enriched. In a 2021 study, Ana Okorn, a researcher at the Behavioural Science Institute in the Netherlands, found that when mothers and fathers are involved with and supportive of their toddlers, their children are less likely to act out aggressively or behave in challenging ways. They’re also far less likely to have major emotional difficulties. This finding is echoed by researchers worldwide for children at every age and stage of development. In other words, our recently developed focus on “parenting” means we no longer cage our children or leave them exposed on the streets! Most parents in our society treat their children comparatively well and children are more likely to thrive as a result.

RUNNING FASTER THAN OUR LEGS CAN CARRY US

The bad news? Parental burnout.

The never-ending pursuit of more and the relentless desire to better support our children is exhausting us. A 42-nation study of parental burnout, involving over 100 collaborating researchers, says parents around the globe are stressed. In total, 17,409 parents responded to this questionnaire, and their answers showed that cultural values around parenting predicted who would be burnt-out and who wouldn’t. Those from more affluent, individualistic countries were the most stressed about parenting. They were the ones (or perhaps I should say “we” were the ones) who agreed to statements like: I feel completely run down by my role as a parent; I tell myself I’m no longer the parent I used to be; I do not enjoy being with my children.

Reading these statements sounds depressing. Yet I speak, daily, with parents of children – from toddlers to teens – who confirm that the pressure of “living up” to the expectations of society on parents is exhausting them. The impact of this intensive parenting is also affecting our kids. Anxiety is at record levels in our children, at least in part because we’re ignoring the best science and pushing too hard. Suicide attempts and hospital presentation for suicidal ideation in children and youth is trending upwards in Australia and overseas at alarming levels.

Even though we take parenting seriously today, and even though we have decades of continually improving research to guide us, we can’t really prepare ourselves for what parenting will require. There’s an ocean of research that outlines how parents can raise their children well, but we are not taking advantage of it at a society-wide level. Instead, we are too tied to the past and our ineffective parenting history. And we are too tied to a vision of our child’s “success”, which is also promoting unhealthy parenting practices that do not align with the best that science can offer.

This is where our challenge lies. We want to get things right. But what does “right” mean? And how do we know when we’re getting it right? Parenting needs a revolution.

GOOD PARENTING?

How do we identify whether we are a good parent? Do we look at how our child is turning out and use that as our metric? But turning out when? Now? In five years? Once they’re an adult? If they are the dux of kindy or prep, are we nailing it? If they’re one of the good-looking, popular ones, does that mean we’re good parents? Or is that just a question of lucky genes? Sports star of the year at school? Academically gifted or musically or artistically talented? Good parenting? Good luck? Both?

Using a child’s relative successes or failures in comparison to peers as a measure of whether we are or aren’t good parents is unhelpful and unhealthy, but many of us look to them for signals that our parenting is on the right track; if we’re doing well in the parenting stakes. But is how good you are at parenting even relevant to how your child turns out? What if your child has ADHD and, in spite of his genius mental ability, he has limited capacity to inhibit his behaviour and so doesn’t fulfil his academic potential? And he’s clumsy in social situations. You watch from a distance as he stumbles with his efforts to make friends. You know he has a beautiful heart; he’s a gorgeous kid. He just can’t seem to get it together. Does this mean you’re not a good parent?

What if you’ve provided a nurturing environment, built trust, had all of the important conversations, been present … and your child experiments with alcohol or other drugs, makes morally questionable choices or drops out of school to pursue his “art” – and that “art” is making Youtube videos? (Those videos may end up being legitimate over time, but it can be really scary for a parent to experience our child trying to figure out if his chosen career path is viable, in real time.) Are you a good parent while your children are young and compliant, but once they’re in their teens and making independent choices that conflict with your value system, are you now a bad parent? What if, at 15 years old, mental illness grips them with no warning after a seemingly perfect upbringing? How does that affect how you see yourself as a parent?

The neverending pursuit of more and the relentless desire to better support our children is exhausting us

NO ‘RIGHT’ WAY TO PARENT

People consistently tell me, “There’s no one right way to parent.” Perhaps, but my response is twofold. First, there are plenty of “wrong” ways to parent. We need to avoid behaviours that can harm our kids. Second, while there is no single pathway to follow, no single script to memorise, and no one “right” decision for every situation, science does highlight:

• specific characteristics which are associated with the best outcomes in parenting, and • specific principles which, when followed, are likely to lead to flourishing families and positive childhoods.

But a deep puzzle remains. Is our desire to be “good parents” driving us mad? If parenting matters so much, why does it so often feel hard and why does it so often make us miserable?

This is an edited extract from The Parenting Revolution: A guide to raising resilient kids, by Dr Justin Coulson, out now, ABC Books, $35.