A message to others always seek help
A decade on from Derek Milner’s suicide his family’s important message is to always seek help for both the person suffering from depression and the family involved.
Derek took his life in 2018 at the age of just 31, after years of suffering from depression.
For his parents, Brian and Sue Milner of Drouin, a decade may have diminished the pain, but the memories of that day and how Derek became so low are as vivid as when they occurred.
Brian says in retrospect they realise Derek was suffering from depression in his early teens. A talented student and sportsman, he found school easy and his intelligence often was not challenged.
He got bored with classroom work. He loved playing football and cricket but was also happy by himself following his passion of fishing.
Brian recalls that Derek was his own worst enemy. He coped with the issues of teenage life different from his mates and at about the young age of 17 started using marijuana.
Both Brian and Sue believe that set him on a path of mood swings and aggression and masked many of his other issues.
He left school early but couldn’t hold down a job, beginning several apprenticeships which didn’t work out.
Fortunately, his cricket and football at Drouin kept him somewhat on track and provided him with much needed comradeship.
Brian says Derek was an intelligent cricket player and loved the tactics of the game.
“He had little time for players who were good but didn’t realise they could be better if they applied their brains,” Brian recalls.
Derek met a woman and moved to the Mornington Peninsula. Sue recalls he was very settled and managed to work consistently at the Rosebud Hotel.
He received counselling through the Vietnam Veterans Association known as Open Arms.
But he hated his prescribed medication saying “it makes me into not me.”
He continued to self-medicate with marijuana.
Brian says he also used the internet to study his condition reading everything he could find on depression.
“At one stage he told us he was bi polar, but he wasn’t. He was searching for answers.”
Brian says Derek became skilled at presenting a façade so people did not delve deeper. “He could charm the pants off the Queen.” Brian says there were many examples of how he used his charm to get into fishing spots that were essentially closed to the general public.
“Fishing was his stress relief and it gave him many friends.
One of the most difficult recollections for Brian and Sue is a promise Derek made to them. Derek was greatly affected by the suicide death of a friend when they were younger.
In a five year period three of his friends committed suicide.
“Derek promised he wouldn’t do that because of the effect it has on family and friends but in the end he was at the bottom of a murky pond and he had no way out,” Brian says.
Sue says it was unexpected because he had appeared happy in a new place, a new job, with a girlfriend and his beloved dog.
“When we think back there were other warning signs that we didn’t see at the time.
“The finality of it for the person is just the beginning for those you leave behind,” she says.
Sue has advice for families who are concerned about their sons and daughters. “Don’t think for a moment that it isn’t a problem.
“Talk to them and don’t stop communicating even if they give you answers you are not happy with.”
She has high praise for new programs such as R U OK, saying those simple words are a great opener.
“You need to keep an eye on them without being too invasive.
“Parents need to get help themselves to understand how they can deal with the issues. Seek help to get them back on track. “You can’t hide under a rock.” For Brian and Sue the Safe TALK suicide program has assisted them since Derek’s death.
Sue says there are many more programs available and it is a subject that is more readily discussed in the community. “We all need to talk about it.”
Brian and Sue coped with Derek’s death because of the support of family, close friends and their local community. “We were well supported.”
Derek’s ashes were scattered at his favourite fishing spot at Safety Beach, a place where his family knows he had happy and peaceful times.