LONG ARM OF THE CLAW

Some may say Informer is drawing a long bow by connecting an ordinary act like toenail care with this week’s extraordinary headlines, but perhaps he’s hit the nail on the head

Today is Mrs Informer’s birthday. I shan’t divulge her age, but if you think of her as a tree and count the rings, she’s turning one. I’m usually pretty good at remembering birthdays, which is wise with a woman who can be quite the spitting cobra when miffed.

Yet sometimes one becomes distracted, and the reason can be as ordinary as ... wait for it ... toenails.

That’s right, toenails, the cutting of which occupied Informer this very week. Toenail cutting is a task requiring extreme concentration on the job at hand – or foot, as it were – especially when one’s eyesight, co-ordination and flexibility are in decline.

But as I say, I was distracted, and so rather than admiring 10 shapely, sculpted toenails, I was staring at what resembled 10 different stretches of Scandinavian coastline, fjords and all. Initially I blamed the clippers, which are too minuscule to be masterfully manipulated by mitts as mammoth as mine.

Our clippers are meant for deft hands skilled at performing delicate work on already manicured nails.

I’m talking nails that Informer does not possess and Mrs Informer is kidding herself if she thinks she does.

That cloven-hoofed woman could take an eye out with the rock hard, barbed and yellowed javelins at the end of her feet.

Many is the night Informer has fled to the safety of the couch after a concerted stabbing and significant blood loss thanks to her restless legs syndrome.

Of course, the clippers were innocent. Any distraction was all my own doing as Informer’s focus was drawn from my feet to other feats of recent note. Margaret Court for one. Great tennis player, sure, but her stance on boycotting Qantas because of its stance on supporting same-sex relationships just seems loony.

As I’ve remarked many times, while people have every right to say what they think, I do wish they’d think more about what they say. Margaret included.

Informer might once have enjoyed a mid-flight chat with the 24-time Grand Slam singles champ.

As a terrified flier, and respectful of the theme of today’s rectangle, I might have welcomed the distraction.

In the end, however, I reckon the fewer religious zealots the better, whether in the air, on the ground and no matter the previous majesty of their serve and volley.

Schapelle Corby’s no religious zealot, although she inspired the kind of fervour typical among hordes sucked in to following one.

Trouble is, this time the horde was the media and its response to Corby’s homecoming was rabid and quickly unpalatable.

At a time when the Australian media has never been more uncertain about its place, purpose and future, the Corby coverage exemplified its current confusion.

No confusion whatsoever about the Manchester bombing a fortnight ago. It remains devastating on several levels – devastatingly insane, devastatingly tragic, devastatingly cruel.

In light of all this, is it any wonder a bloke’s toenails might come off second best?

OK, some may think Informer is drawing too long a bow in connecting an ordinary act like toenail care with such extraordinary current events.

I submit that longer bows are being drawn every day, pulled back by people who would find it reasonable to use religion to deny love, or who turn mass media into mess media, or blast a concert into carnage.

Now, as mentioned previously, it’s Mrs Informer’s birthday and so I can’t hang around all day talking to you. To avoid the risk of going toe to toe with her, some urgent shopping is in order. Best foot forward, so toe speak.

“IN LIGHT OF ALL THIS, IS IT ANY WONDER A BLOKE’S TOENAILS MIGHT COME OFF SECOND BEST?”