DISCOVERING HUMP IN ROAD TO LEARNING FACTS OF LIFE

Well, on the plus side we’re at least halfway there when it comes to explaining about the birds and bees

IT’S the conversation no parent wants to have.

It’s possibly the act no wife wants to have either. At least, not when House Hunters is on.

But in both cases, we must do our duty. Yes, I’m talking about sex. When is the right time to make a move?

In the latter case, the answer is clearly during the ad break.

As for the former, I’m all in favour of “never”.

Alas, that sadly seems to have fallen out of favour with the politically correct.

Nowadays, we need to start telling our kids from birth all about their bits. If their first word isn’t “penis” or “vagina”, you have failed.

Rather than “the talk”, the truly advanced provide a live demonstration – while they breastfeed, natch.

In that case, I’m happy to be behind when it comes to sex. You know what I mean. Fortunately, I’ve only got to wait one more year and my son will learn all the facts about S-E-X at school.

And if he has questions, I’ll ensure his father is on hand. (Sweetheart, you should be flattered I would think you actually have the answers.)

Unfortunately, as of this week, the cat is out of the bag when it comes to the birds and bees. Or the birds, at least.

Pulling up to school dropoff, my daughter gazed in amazement at the top of a power pole.

“Mum! What is that bird? It … it looks like a seagull but it’s so … fat. Wait … is it a … bunny rabbit?” she queried.

My son, who NEVER listens to her, chose this moment of his life to pay attention and also look up.

“Oh, yeah! Hang on, is that … is that two birds?”

I saw the confusion on my daughter’s face clear.

“Huh. They’re stacked. Like on top of each other. And look! They’re dancing!”

My son saw my mouth start to wobble.

“Muuuuum … are they HUMPING???”

What? How does he even know this word?

Turns out, the teachers may give the talk in Year 5, but the kids are already spreading the word in Year 4. That and music videos, apparently. Damn you, Rihanna. There was nothing to do but admit the truth.

“Yes. Yes, they are. They’re humping.” *Snort* Ever the scientific mind, his first question was how they managed to balance.

My daughter, however, had far more moral matters on her mind.

“Mum, are they married?”

Fair enough, nothing worse than a single bird with a nest-full of whingeing little ones, begging for handouts.

Suddenly, my son spotted a friend across the road.

Before I could shush him, he was chirping at full volume across the carpark.

“Hey, River!! Look up at those birds … they’re HUUUMPING!”

It echoed across the school.

“HUUMPING! UUMPING! UMPING!”

The time had come. This could be a teaching moment.

This was where we could turn the vaguely understood expression of “humping” into an explanation of the beauty of procreation, the miracle of life, the joy of sex. Or …. Or it’s when I could boot the kids out of the car, drive across the road and surreptitiously snap some quick pics of the randy birds to text to the husband and laugh uproariously.

You can decide which road I took.

But let’s just say, when it comes to my son’s life lessons next year, he’s still going to have a lot of questions. About the bees, at least.

ann.wasonmoore@news.com.au