YULE DRIVE ME CRAZY WITH ALL THESE EARLY CHRISTMASES

Look, I’m all for the mistletoe and tinsel and Seasons Greetings but, seriously, let’s give Santa a bit of a break

DEEP in the bowels of David Jones, I made the most horrific discovery. It was late last month and I was lost, futilely trying to remember where I had parked my car at Robina Town Centre.

I was confident I had lost my mind, because as I made a final circuit of the deserted bottom floor I saw a mirage of mistletoe and tinsel.

But then my (relatively) sane daughter turned to me and confirmed my vision.

“Mum, it’s August isn’t it?,” she asked.

“Yes,” I whispered, still in disbelief.

“So why are there Christmas trees up? What … what’s going on?”

There’s nothing jolly about a jump scare from Christmas creep.

I’m far from a Scrooge. I love Christmas. Any excuse to spend money and eat lots is all right by me.

For God’s sake, we even have a hallway in our home dedicated to the awkward Santa photos of Christmas past. Not just the kids. All four of us. On the big man’s lap. From 2009 to 2016 … and we’ve pre-purchased frames to ensure the Yuletide tradition continues until my daughter is 18.

We’re a seriously festive family. Also, fantastically embarrassing parents.

But do you know what makes Christmas so great? It’s special.

As the song says, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Not it’s the most wonderful time all year.

I don’t understand why we need to start so early.

Even in the US the Christmas carnival doesn’t kick in until November. Of course, they have Halloween and Thanksgiving to keep the festivities rolling.

Which is just another reason we need to go hard on Halloween down under. The main reason, of course, being lollies.

Of course, I agree kids shouldn’t have access to so much sugar – which is why I eat all their treats when they go to bed. I’m just being the bigger person. Well, becoming the bigger person maybe.

And with all the debate about Australia Day, why don’t we just move it to mid-November? Let’s face it, the only people who know why it’s held on January 26 are those who find it very offensive. For the rest of us, we just want to celebrate liv- ing here and get a day off.

Besides, November is better weather and a more sensible time to buy giant thong floaties for the pool.

If it means holding off on the red-and-green frenzy for a few more weeks, I can tolerate seeing the Southern Cross emblazoned on every pair of shorts, swimmers and towels at Crazy Clarks.

Given the current Christmas status quo, I’m instead fielding gift demands in September.

Opening the notes on my iPad the other day I found a little message from my daughter: “What I am hoping for Christmas: iPod with fluffy mint green case and hot pink bow on it; rainbow hair bow with grindstones on it.”

Should make for a priceless photo when she sits on Santa’s lap and asks for that one.

But I’m not sure what the shops think they get out of an early Christmas display.

Sure, the kids are thinking about gifts now, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to respond. Besides we all know their wishlist will change right up until the dawn of December 25.

And no amount of angels, ornaments or trees are going to make me more organised.

If you ask me, the end of winter is the ideal time to take down my tree, not put it up. Maybe that’s what I don’t like about this trend. It makes me feel even more disorganised than usual.

So Christmas creepers, scrooge you.